For Christmas I received a whole stack of books (books that I had requested), and I've been plowing through them. I've been meaning to write some reviews, but it seems like by the time I get some computer time, my brain is too fried to put together anything either 1) long or 2) readable.
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld, is a book that I've been hearing about for several years. In recent months, the message I've gotten from others who have read it has been: You're got to read this book! You've just got to!
It IS a good book. Maybe not quite the ground-breaking tome of wisdom that I'd been told of, but still a very good book. It's not the be-all, end-all solution to every parenting problem or child's misbehavior you will ever encounter... but the author does have some really good insights into the problems kids in our society face.
If anything, this was a comforting book. This book said to me: You are doing a lot of things right with your family! Keep it up and expand on some of those things!
Neufeld's basic premise in this book is that our society (at least in terms of our youth and their primary connections), in the past 50 or so years, has changed from a parent-oriented society to a peer-oriented society. He credits several processes for this change, including the rise of 2-income families with both parents working outside the home, the change to a very media-oriented culture, the rise in technology, etc. He notes that it is quite normal in this day and age for teenagers in particular (but even younger children as well) to turn first to their friends and peers for direction, connection, and even basic attachment. Prior to the 1950's, this was not the case. The teenage-angst syndrome that we now accept as "normal" did not exist! Kids in earlier times had no qualms about sharing love, affection, and friendship first and foremost with their parents! Not their peers!
Now, often, families are in a very dangerous state. Children are often more attached to their peers than to their parents. And, scariest of all, many of us accept this as completely normal! Oh, that's just how teenagers are. Oh, kids need their friends. He spends a good deal of time in this book showing us just how sneaky and insidious this mindset is, and how we as parents buy into it. We allow our kids to basically be taken from our grasp, because we think it's normal and "just how kids are". We don't realize that this is a cultural phenomenon, and not a good one.
He points out several serious discipline scenarios between teens or older children and their parents, and he is able to show how at the root of these problems is a broken attachment between child and parents. How the child's loyalty has shifted over time away from the parents and to friends. And how friends and peers are simply not equipped to be anyone's primary attachment figure!
I guess the reason this book didn't seem so revolutionary to me is because we are already living many of the principles he endorses! Things like strong family routines, regular meals together, etc. I was struck by how blessed we are to have Church counsel on the things we need to do to build a strong family. All those "rituals" like family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening? Well, they are important not only to make sure we teach our kids the gospel on a regular basis, but they are also important for building connection, for making time that is only for family. Neufeld did say that we as parents need not feel guilty for protecting our family time. It's OK, on the school holiday, to say "This is a family day. We won't be having friends over today."
Yes, kids need friends. But not as much as we think they do! I have thought about how this whole "needing friends" thing is such a modern phenomenon. Think of all the children who homesteaded with their parents in the middle of nowhere during pioneer times, who were lucky to see another neighbor maybe every couple of months. And yet their social development was not stunted by lack of friends. Our society sends us a message that somehow, friends are everything.
Neufeld spends a great deal of time tackling the issue of technology. TV, computers, internet, video games, cell phones, texting, you name it... These things can, of course, be useful tools in our lives. But all too often they become tools to take us away from the people we love. Kids watching TV are not interacting with the rest of the family. Kids with too much access to cell phones, facebook, and texting are basically being given free license to attach themselves to their peers and shut their parents out! They cannot be doing both at once. A kid who is attached to his cell phone--and, thus, friends--nonstop is, by essence of doing that, unattaching himself to his family. And we as parents accept this because, well, that's just how things are these days, and boy, we wouldn't want our kids to be left out, now would we? This really made me even that much more determined that TV, video games, and cell phones are NOT going to rule our family's lives!
Quote, p. 206: We need to build structures that restrict the things that would take our children away from us and, at the same time, allow us to collect our children. The rules and restrictions should apply to television, computer, telephone, Internet, electronic games, and extracurricular activities. The most obvious restrictions that need to be put in place are those that govern peer interaction, especially the free-style interaction that is not orchestrated by the adults in charge. Unless parents put some restrictions in place, the demand for playdates, get-togethers, sleepovers, and instant messaging time soon gets out of hand. It does not take long for the pursuit of contact with peers to take precedence over the desire for closeness with parents.
Now, Neufeld spends a good deal of time talking about the different between preventing peer attachment and reversing it once it has occured. If you are having serious behavior problems with your child due to peer attachment, you have a major problem on your hands. In his opinion, you have to solve it by going back and rebuilding your own attachment to your child. He claims that punishment and harsh means will NOT work once a child is already too attached to peers. Even efforts to keep your child close to you (cutting off cell phones, limiting the time spent with peers, etc) will not work unless you first build that relationship between you and your child. There are ideas for doing this in the book.
Luckily, I am not in that position. And hopefully, by being careful, I won't ever be. Hopefully I will be able to recognize earlier signs of this happening and correct the course.
I did like some of the things Neufeld had to say on the topic of discipline in general. Here are two of his seven main ideas:
1. Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line.
"The principle of connection before direction applies to almost anything, whether asking about homework, requesting help with setting the table, reminding the child about clothes to be hung up, informing that it is time to switch off the television, or confronting on some sibling interaction."
Basically, I think this is just asking us as parents to pause and think a bit before we go charging in to direct or demand something of a child. How can we approach it in a way that begins with connection? How many problematic interactions with our children could be avoided if we simply tried to connect first before making a request or demand?
2. When things aren't working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson.
"The parent needs to be both an agent of futility and an angel of comfort. It is human counterpoint at its finest and most challenging....The first part of this dance of adaptation is to represent to the child a 'wall of futility'. Sometimes this will be of our making, but most often it is made of the realities and limitations of everyday life. 'Your sister said no,' 'This won't work,' 'I can't let you do that,' .... These realities need to presented firmly so they do not become the issue. To equivocate--to reason, to explain, to justify--is to fail to give the child something to adapt to... It's a matter of getting the child adjusted to exactly how things are, not as he--or even you--would wish them to be....
...Once the wall of futility has been established--in a way that is firm without being harsh--it is time to help the child find the tears beneath the frustration. The agenda should not be to teach a lesson but to move frustration to sadness. The lesson will be learned spontaneously once this task is accomplished. We can say things like 'It's so hard when things don't work,' 'I know you really wanted this to happen, 'You were hoping I'd have a different answer,'. Again, much more important than our words is the child's sense that we are with her, not against her."
To phrase this in a way I've recently read about while studying Waldorf principles, the parent needs to hold the space for the child. The parent does not give in or change the rules in an effort to keep the peace or promote connection. It is the parent's job to keep the boundaries firm. But neither is the parent harsh. Once the child realizes that, for sure, the boundary is there and will not change, then the parent is the empathetic angel, providing comfort for the child's disappointment. This process builds attachment! This puts the child in a situation of needing the parent's love and support.
These are just a few of the tidbits on discipline. They are the two that stuck out the most to me.
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