The circle of motherhood

A friend and I were having a conversation recently at the playground. Her good friend's sister (I think) had just been matched with a birthmother, and my friend wanted advice on a certain situation. Apparently, the sister had asked my friend and her friend to come and help her paint the nursery for the new baby. These two friends were hesitant. They worried that the sister was acting impulsively. They worried that the birthmother might change her mind and then the sister would be stuck with an empty nursery. My friend wanted to know what advice I, as an adoptive mother, had for her in this situation.

This was a great opportunity for some educating! And so I wanted to share that same education with others--basically with anyone who has contact with an expectant adoptive mom.

I told my friend to treat this expectant mother (for that's what she is!) just like any other expectant mother. It's interesting, no one would say to a physically pregnant mother, "Hmmm, you know, it might not be wise to get the nursery ready right now. What if your baby dies?" No one would even say that behind the pregnant mother's back.

I told my friend that NO ONE is more aware of the possibility of the birthmom changing her mind than the expectant adoptive mother herself. NO ONE. No one can possibly be worried about that chance more than this adoptive mother and her husband! It's not like the concerned friends have somehow thought of something that the expectant parents themselves have not already considered. Believe me, this adoptive mother probably thinks every single day about the possibility that she will not come home with a baby. She knows.

And yet she is choosing to paint the nursery. She is choosing to walk forward in hope. She is choosing to revel in what little opportunity she has to act like the expectant mother she is. Expectant mothers all over the world prepare for their babies. They dream, they show faith, they nest.

To deprive the expectant adoptive mother of this opportunity is to deprive her of her motherhood! It is to say to her, "You are different. You are not one of us. You must not act like one of us." Now, surely, no one means that. They would probably recoil at the intimation that this is what they are saying. No, they would insist that it is out of concern for her welfare, her feelings, that they worry. But deep down, it is true. They view her expectancy as different from their own, as somehow less sure, less real.

I told my friend that her only job is to support this mother in whatever she wants or needs to do to prepare for her new baby. If she doesn't want to paint the nursery, support her in that decision. If she wants to paint the nursery, go over there and make it the biggest party in the history of womankind! If for some reason, this baby does not come home to that family, then that painted nursery may well be the only tangible thing she has to remind herself that she was expecting a baby. And if that baby does come home (and chances are, it will) then she has a wonderful memory of the time that her friends stretched open the circle of motherhood and welcomed her into it with open arms. That is what adoptive mothers want most! That is all we want! Treat us like one of the gang! Focus on what we have in common, don't cast us out (however unintentionally) because of our differences. Believe me, there are far more similarities than there are differences. We can see them because we have to. We have to live in your world. You don't have to live in ours, but it means the world to us when you open the door and come in.

I also asked my friend to imagine that she gave birth to a stillborn baby. Would having a painted nursery vs. not having one really make a difference in such a situation? No, she would be devastated regardless of the state of that room. Same with her adoptive mom friend. So why even question it?

If it sounds like I was harsh to my friend, I wasn't. She didn't get the benefit of all the extra stuff running around in my head, or of all the stuff I thought about long after our conversation was over. I think we had a great conversation, and I think she came away from it enlightened, thinking of things she had never before considered, things that made her go, "Ah, you're right!"

I sat at enrichment night earlier this week listening to a woman excitedly tell me that we have three expectant mothers in our ward right now. I sat there thinking, "Actually, we have four." I didn't say anything to her, I didn't even feel like going there. I didn't have the energy. But this adoption is not a secret. I announced it during the Relief Society Good News Minute the week after we got approved. Yet, still, I am not thought of as an expectant mother.

Luckily, someone else redeemed the evening a short while later by asking me how things were going with the adoption.

How can we educate? How can we change our culture so that the adoptive mom doesn't have to do all the work to insert herself into the circle of motherhood?

So much to think about...