Big Decisions

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

I really think I want to homeschool. 

Yeah.

I'm scared.  The whole idea feels like jumping off a really huge cliff and hoping that you fly rather than crashing to the ground and smashing yourself to bits on all the rocks.

Now there are a few minor details to attend to.  Minor might not be exactly the right word.  James and I have not had a really serious, serious talk about homeschooling.  He knows I'm serious about figuring out what I want to do.  He knows I've been in research mode for the past nine months or so.  We have talked some about it.  I know his concerns.  (That I might get burned out, that one of our children is, ahem, not exactly easy to deal with sometimes...OK, alot of the time.)  He is open to the idea, though.  It's definitely up for discussion.  I know he respects my opinions and trusts my judgment, and I'm pretty sure he'd agree to at least trying it for a time.  (He did actually say that at one point, though he thought of trying it for a few months, and I was thinking we'd need at least a year to really know how it would go.)  Anyway, the decision to homeschool has not been made yet and cannot be made without both of us sitting down and talking and making it jointly.

So I can't say I'm going to homeschool.

But I can say for sure that I've turned the corner in my own mind.

When I say I've been engaged in serious research lately, that is no understatement.  In the past, I've looked into homeschooling, studied it deeply for maybe a few weeks or a month, and then the thoughts have kind of disappeared, kind of vanished away in, say, a stupor.  But not this time.  Instead, my interest has only grown over the months.  I feel like I'm finally at the point where it's time to stop researching and make a choice. 

Part of the fear is choosing the homeschooling lifestyle.  I'm not so worried about being with my kids all the time or even of dealing with the one who can challenge me.  I know we'd work out all those things.  There would be hard days, but also a lot of good days.  I think many of the potential conflicts and challenges could be worked out through the establishment of a good rhythm.  And this particular child actually really thrives and does better when s/he gets to spend a lot of focused time with me.

And I'm not worried about "socialization".  Especially after reading Gordon Neufeldt's fabulous book, Hold On to Your Kids.  (Review of that one to come on this blog sometime when I get around to it.)   Plus, do any of you who actually know Dallin or Sariah really think any of them need to worry about becoming social misfits?  Yeah, neither do I.

I'm a little bit worried about disciplining myself to maintain order and to keep things going, keep us learning.  But I'd start out using a packaged curriculum.  And the Waldorf philosophy that I'm interested in is very ordered.

I guess it's just a bit scary to be branching out to something so different, so far removed from anything I've ever known.  What I've known is school.  Going to school every day and sitting in a desk and learning certain things at certain times and in certain ways.  Moving away from that and beyond that is liberating and exciting, but scary.

Why do I think homeschooling might be a good choice for our family?

Well, I think the main reason is connections.  I want more time with my children, and I sense that the child who goes away to school needs more time with me and thrives on that time.  I resent the public school lifestyle, how all our "family time" is crammed into an hour or two (if that) in the late afternoon and early evening.  I dislike that fact that when my child is home, we are still on the school's time.  We have to do the school's homework, the school's reading, etc.  I want more control.  Even though Dallin enjoys school and loves his teacher (who is wonderful!), school stresses him.  And we as his family get to deal with that stress, which comes out not at school, but at home.  I'm not talking about the good kind of stress that motivates you and pushes you toward growth.  I'm talking about the kind that just makes you grumpy and tired all of the time.  It comes back to the old truth that you can't have quality time without having quantity time.  And as quantity time is squeezed out, quality time goes with it. 

The other reason is that I just want my kids to have a different, more balanced, more beautiful education than what they're getting.  Dallin has a great teacher!  But I hate how the whole goal of public school seems to be to open their little heads at the top and keep cramming and cramming more "stuff" (facts, information, etc.) into them.  I'd like to take my kids out of the rat race.  I'd like to be able to slow down a bit, spend more time with the things they need help with, leave out some of the things I don't think are necessary (Venn diagrams in the second grade???) and delve deep into the things I DO think are necessary.  I'd like to chuck the endless reams of worksheets and get Dallin working with manipulatives, really understanding math.  I'd like to see him reading for pleasure rather than sitting on the couch going through every book he owns for hours on end just because he wants to beat everybody in his class by getting the most reading minutes. 

I'd like to be able to provide more balance.  More art, more crafts, more music, more movement, more nature.  The things that people read and write about.

I really want to educate my children, at least mainly, according the the Waldorf philosophy of education.  That's a whole other post.  Choosing Waldorf is a bit scary in itself because it's different.  It's holistic.  I don't agree with all of the theory behind it, but I do agree with most of the practice of it.  I've spent months making sure that I really understood the theory and practice of it, at least well enough to make an educated decision and go into it with open eyes.

But in general thinking about moving from thinking and dreaming about homeschooling to actually making a choice and then a plan for homeschooling is a lot like choosing the road less traveled.  One part of me wants to stay on the safe, familiar road that everyone else is on.  But the other part of me thinks that the road less traveled can make all the difference in one's life!  And that often the true grown and ultimate fulfillment in life comes from taking off and following one's dreams, creating the life that one envisions!