(Argh, my post published before I was done writing it, so scroll down to make sure you read the whole thing!)
It's a bit scary to write about birth parents, because I'm not one, and I don't want to pretend to be able to make statements for a group of which I'm not a part. But I do think it's important for adoptive parents to stand up for birth parents! Heaven knows that there are all kinds of hurtful myths that circulate about birth parents, and these need to be addressed and refuted. Some of these myths involve us as adoptive parents. Either they are myths about the relationships we have with our children's birth parents, or they are myths that get repeated to us because of our membership in the triad.
Most adoptive parents don't write much in depth publicly about their relationships with their children's birth parents. This is mainly for privacy reasons. For example, the most beautiful, tender, and sacred moments from each of my children's placements directly involve their birth mothers. I would love to share the details of these profound moments in my life, but to do so would mean sharing intimate details from someone else's story too, and I don't feel it's my place to do that. Believe me, though, anyone who could be a fly on the wall at one of my children's placements would be filled with respect and awe for these women, and many of the hurtful and unkind assumptions about birth mothers would disappear on the spot.
The other reason we adoptive parents don't always discuss our birth parent relationships is because these relationships and our feelings are sometimes difficult to articulate. The relationship between adoptive mom and birth mom can be especially poignant, yet oftentimes the two are virtual strangers. It's hard to describe feelings beyond expressing intense gratitude and love for these women.
The number one offensive myth about birth parents is that they either don't love or don't want their children, and that they are taking the "easy way out" by choosing adoption. Like I said, anyone who could actually witness a placement of a baby from one mother to the other would know immediately what a lie this myth is! Those two moments, when Dallin's birth mom and then Sariah's birth mom, carefully placed their precious babies in my arms... those two moments were the epitome of love! Truly selfless love is putting your own interests below the needs of others, and that is what happened in both of those cases. Even when it meant great personal anguish for them, they did what they felt was right for their children. They didn't do it for themselves. If it had been for themselves, they would never have had the strength to get through it, and they would have come running back to grab those babies and never let them go. The only thing that got them through those moments... and days, months, and years... was love.
I know birth parents are not perfect people. I know that some birth parents don't like being held up as heroes for their actions, just as they don't like to be viewed as villains either. Whether you believe that adoption is the "right" choice or that it is a tragic choice or just one of many choices, there is no doubt that love is the motivation in the vast majority of cases. (I'm never gonna say never...)
When Sariah was a newborn, I took her to a lactation store so I could try to rent a breastpump.
The woman who worked at the store was overbearing in her syrupy sweetness, as well as offensive in her sickening ignorance. "Oh my goodness!" she exclaimed over and over. "How could anybody give up such a beautiful baby!" She must have repeated this line to me three or four times during my visit. I explained that there are many reasons that birth parents place children for adoption, and that I knew my daughter's birth mom loved her very much. But she continued to repeat her utter nonsense. I hurt my ears to hear Sariah's birth mother maligned like that. Here I had just come from spending three days with her, watching her suffer in order to make a good choice for her daughter, and this woman was spewing such c--p. I also thought it was interesting to note that this employee had only one child, having been infertile for many years. I thought it was kind of sad that maybe she missed out on the beauty of being a mother again because of her attitudes about adoption.
I have heard birth mothers speak in panels who have told of the anger and ostracism of their families when they chose to place their babies for adoption. In most of the cases, these mothers had received direction inspiration from the Holy Ghost that adoption was the right choice, yet their families (even good LDS families) refused to accept it and treated these women according to all the hurtful stereotypes. I can't imagine how lonely it would be to go through the process of making and dealing with such a difficult decision without the support of one's family, simply because they believed the old adage that good, loving mothers don't say goodbye to their children. Well, sometimes good, loving mothers do say goodbye to their children. And they do it because they love them so much. They need family members to trust them, even as those family members are grieving the loss of the child who would have come to their family.
Now, I know that some adoption situations are more complicated. I know that there are children who are not willingly relinquished by birth parents, and that some children are available for adoption because of being mistreated by their birth families. This post is not the space to get into such a complex subject. I haven't experienced this type of adoption, personally. But I do believe that in many cases, the birth parents still love their children, they just don't have the lifeskills to parent effectively, or are dealing with addictions or past histories of abuse that get in the way of their ability to function as parents. I do think that perhaps if adoption were seen as a more socially acceptable choice, there would be less need for foster care later on.
Other myths about birth parents involve the type of relationships they have or "should" have with the children they've placed and their adoptive parents. One myth is that birth parents can and should forget about the children they carried, birthed, and placed for adoption. One myth is that birth parents will want to come and take back their children if given the opportunity. A related myth is that having an open relationship with the adoptive family will make them more likely to come back and take the child. In reality, how could a mother ever forget the child that grew inside her for nine months? Other mothers don't, so is a birth mother somehow not really a mother, and without natural feelings for her child? I don't think so! She IS a mother, she LOVES her child, and yes, she will think about her child for the rest of her life!
As to the second myth, well, a mother who has made an adoption plan of her own free will, carefully thought out the ramifications of her choice, made the decision again after giving birth, and gone through the heartbreak of saying goodbye... if she's made it that far, she's not likely to come and take back her child. Not to mention the fact that all states have laws that protect adoptive families if such a situation were to occur. Horror stories make the news, but they are not the reality for most adoptive families and birth parents out there. If adoptive parents know the law, abide by the law, and make sure their agency abides by the law, the chances of having to return a baby are very slim. Many expectant parents do change their minds prior to placement, but that is their right. An adoption decision must always be remade after the baby is born. It is heartbreaking for the adoptive family, but it is the reality of adoption. It is part of our journey. After placement? I think that changing minds is relatively uncommon. Coming to take back a child years later? Virtually unheard of.
See, birth parents who choose adoption (and who are no coerced into it) love their children. If for some reason they regret their choice later on (and many/most don't), they still love their children so much that they don't want to disrupt their lives.
It always takes me aback when someone will ask if we write to our kids' birth parents, and when I tell them that we do, they respond with something like, "Wow, you guys are so nice/strong/amazing to be able to do that." Huh? I'm nice, or strong, or amazing, to write letters and send pictures to the people who were responsible for me getting to be a mother??? In people's minds, our "having" to write to "the birth parents" is a chore that we endure because the agency makes us or because we'd feel guilty if we didn't. They don't understand that this is a privilege, something we look forward to, and that we want to nourish these relationships, for the sake of our children and for our own sakes too.
Openness is generally healthy for birth families, adoptive families, and adopted children. Of course there are always unique situations, but these situations are not caused by adoption per se, but by specific personality or mental health or lifestyle challenges of the individuals involved. Openness is healthy for birth parents because they get to see how their child is doing over time. There are fewer unknowns and unanswered questions. They also get to have a relationship of some sort with their child. Openness is healthy for adoptive parents because they get to see their child's birth parents as real people. Birth parents can be friends rather than an unknown threat. Where there are knowns instead of unknowns, fear and mistrust departs. Openness is healthy for children because they get to see where they came from and they can see firsthand that their birth parents love them. They have firsthand sources for information and answers to their questions about being adopted.
Openness doesn't necessarily mean having lots of in-person contact. Many people picture having the birth parents over to dinner every weekend, or sharing parenting decisions. This is not the case. Technically, an open adoption simply means that you have shared full identifying information and that your contact with one another is direct, without the agency as intermediary. In an open adoption, the amount of contact is determined by the adoptive family and the birth family, NOT by the agency. That's really all it is! Within that framework, there are many different types of open adoption, and many levels of contact. Some families visit often, some never visit, some visit once every year or two. Some talk on the phone, some do email.
In our adoptions, we have less contact than we'd like. That is due to the choices of our children's birth parents, and we respect that. Different people deal with loss in different ways, and some people need more space. We try to be open in our attitudes and feelings, and in our discussions with our children. We love the opportunities we do have for contact with our children's birth families, and we look forward to them. These are relationships which we treasure! And they are just that, relationships. Relationships between real people with real, sometimes differing, needs. Thus, we can alter the specifics of our open adoptions to meet the needs of all of us. Sometimes we have to compromise. But as we have compromised, we've seen our relationship with at least one birth mother grow and become very fulfilling. The other birth mother we have less contact with and don't know as well, but we still enjoy the opportunity to tell her how her child is growing and developing. We do not fear these women!
One thing that I especially love is to look at my children and see traits or interests of their birth parents reflected in them. This is not threatening--it is cool! I see Sariah's fascination with helping me cook and wonder if she got that from her birth mom, who loves to cook. We recently got a letter from Dallin's birth mom where she shared some similarities between him and his birth uncle, and that was fun to hear about. I love that when I look into either of my children's faces, I see their birth mothers' physical features reflected there.
I love these women. I consider them my friends. I haven't seen either one of them for years and probably won't see them for many years to come, but I wish I could. That would be a dream come true.
It's a bit scary to write about birth parents, because I'm not one, and I don't want to pretend to be able to make statements for a group of which I'm not a part. But I do think it's important for adoptive parents to stand up for birth parents! Heaven knows that there are all kinds of hurtful myths that circulate about birth parents, and these need to be addressed and refuted. Some of these myths involve us as adoptive parents. Either they are myths about the relationships we have with our children's birth parents, or they are myths that get repeated to us because of our membership in the triad.
Most adoptive parents don't write much in depth publicly about their relationships with their children's birth parents. This is mainly for privacy reasons. For example, the most beautiful, tender, and sacred moments from each of my children's placements directly involve their birth mothers. I would love to share the details of these profound moments in my life, but to do so would mean sharing intimate details from someone else's story too, and I don't feel it's my place to do that. Believe me, though, anyone who could be a fly on the wall at one of my children's placements would be filled with respect and awe for these women, and many of the hurtful and unkind assumptions about birth mothers would disappear on the spot.
The other reason we adoptive parents don't always discuss our birth parent relationships is because these relationships and our feelings are sometimes difficult to articulate. The relationship between adoptive mom and birth mom can be especially poignant, yet oftentimes the two are virtual strangers. It's hard to describe feelings beyond expressing intense gratitude and love for these women.
The number one offensive myth about birth parents is that they either don't love or don't want their children, and that they are taking the "easy way out" by choosing adoption. Like I said, anyone who could actually witness a placement of a baby from one mother to the other would know immediately what a lie this myth is! Those two moments, when Dallin's birth mom and then Sariah's birth mom, carefully placed their precious babies in my arms... those two moments were the epitome of love! Truly selfless love is putting your own interests below the needs of others, and that is what happened in both of those cases. Even when it meant great personal anguish for them, they did what they felt was right for their children. They didn't do it for themselves. If it had been for themselves, they would never have had the strength to get through it, and they would have come running back to grab those babies and never let them go. The only thing that got them through those moments... and days, months, and years... was love.
I know birth parents are not perfect people. I know that some birth parents don't like being held up as heroes for their actions, just as they don't like to be viewed as villains either. Whether you believe that adoption is the "right" choice or that it is a tragic choice or just one of many choices, there is no doubt that love is the motivation in the vast majority of cases. (I'm never gonna say never...)
When Sariah was a newborn, I took her to a lactation store so I could try to rent a breastpump.
The woman who worked at the store was overbearing in her syrupy sweetness, as well as offensive in her sickening ignorance. "Oh my goodness!" she exclaimed over and over. "How could anybody give up such a beautiful baby!" She must have repeated this line to me three or four times during my visit. I explained that there are many reasons that birth parents place children for adoption, and that I knew my daughter's birth mom loved her very much. But she continued to repeat her utter nonsense. I hurt my ears to hear Sariah's birth mother maligned like that. Here I had just come from spending three days with her, watching her suffer in order to make a good choice for her daughter, and this woman was spewing such c--p. I also thought it was interesting to note that this employee had only one child, having been infertile for many years. I thought it was kind of sad that maybe she missed out on the beauty of being a mother again because of her attitudes about adoption.
I have heard birth mothers speak in panels who have told of the anger and ostracism of their families when they chose to place their babies for adoption. In most of the cases, these mothers had received direction inspiration from the Holy Ghost that adoption was the right choice, yet their families (even good LDS families) refused to accept it and treated these women according to all the hurtful stereotypes. I can't imagine how lonely it would be to go through the process of making and dealing with such a difficult decision without the support of one's family, simply because they believed the old adage that good, loving mothers don't say goodbye to their children. Well, sometimes good, loving mothers do say goodbye to their children. And they do it because they love them so much. They need family members to trust them, even as those family members are grieving the loss of the child who would have come to their family.
Now, I know that some adoption situations are more complicated. I know that there are children who are not willingly relinquished by birth parents, and that some children are available for adoption because of being mistreated by their birth families. This post is not the space to get into such a complex subject. I haven't experienced this type of adoption, personally. But I do believe that in many cases, the birth parents still love their children, they just don't have the lifeskills to parent effectively, or are dealing with addictions or past histories of abuse that get in the way of their ability to function as parents. I do think that perhaps if adoption were seen as a more socially acceptable choice, there would be less need for foster care later on.
Other myths about birth parents involve the type of relationships they have or "should" have with the children they've placed and their adoptive parents. One myth is that birth parents can and should forget about the children they carried, birthed, and placed for adoption. One myth is that birth parents will want to come and take back their children if given the opportunity. A related myth is that having an open relationship with the adoptive family will make them more likely to come back and take the child. In reality, how could a mother ever forget the child that grew inside her for nine months? Other mothers don't, so is a birth mother somehow not really a mother, and without natural feelings for her child? I don't think so! She IS a mother, she LOVES her child, and yes, she will think about her child for the rest of her life!
As to the second myth, well, a mother who has made an adoption plan of her own free will, carefully thought out the ramifications of her choice, made the decision again after giving birth, and gone through the heartbreak of saying goodbye... if she's made it that far, she's not likely to come and take back her child. Not to mention the fact that all states have laws that protect adoptive families if such a situation were to occur. Horror stories make the news, but they are not the reality for most adoptive families and birth parents out there. If adoptive parents know the law, abide by the law, and make sure their agency abides by the law, the chances of having to return a baby are very slim. Many expectant parents do change their minds prior to placement, but that is their right. An adoption decision must always be remade after the baby is born. It is heartbreaking for the adoptive family, but it is the reality of adoption. It is part of our journey. After placement? I think that changing minds is relatively uncommon. Coming to take back a child years later? Virtually unheard of.
See, birth parents who choose adoption (and who are no coerced into it) love their children. If for some reason they regret their choice later on (and many/most don't), they still love their children so much that they don't want to disrupt their lives.
It always takes me aback when someone will ask if we write to our kids' birth parents, and when I tell them that we do, they respond with something like, "Wow, you guys are so nice/strong/amazing to be able to do that." Huh? I'm nice, or strong, or amazing, to write letters and send pictures to the people who were responsible for me getting to be a mother??? In people's minds, our "having" to write to "the birth parents" is a chore that we endure because the agency makes us or because we'd feel guilty if we didn't. They don't understand that this is a privilege, something we look forward to, and that we want to nourish these relationships, for the sake of our children and for our own sakes too.
Openness is generally healthy for birth families, adoptive families, and adopted children. Of course there are always unique situations, but these situations are not caused by adoption per se, but by specific personality or mental health or lifestyle challenges of the individuals involved. Openness is healthy for birth parents because they get to see how their child is doing over time. There are fewer unknowns and unanswered questions. They also get to have a relationship of some sort with their child. Openness is healthy for adoptive parents because they get to see their child's birth parents as real people. Birth parents can be friends rather than an unknown threat. Where there are knowns instead of unknowns, fear and mistrust departs. Openness is healthy for children because they get to see where they came from and they can see firsthand that their birth parents love them. They have firsthand sources for information and answers to their questions about being adopted.
Openness doesn't necessarily mean having lots of in-person contact. Many people picture having the birth parents over to dinner every weekend, or sharing parenting decisions. This is not the case. Technically, an open adoption simply means that you have shared full identifying information and that your contact with one another is direct, without the agency as intermediary. In an open adoption, the amount of contact is determined by the adoptive family and the birth family, NOT by the agency. That's really all it is! Within that framework, there are many different types of open adoption, and many levels of contact. Some families visit often, some never visit, some visit once every year or two. Some talk on the phone, some do email.
In our adoptions, we have less contact than we'd like. That is due to the choices of our children's birth parents, and we respect that. Different people deal with loss in different ways, and some people need more space. We try to be open in our attitudes and feelings, and in our discussions with our children. We love the opportunities we do have for contact with our children's birth families, and we look forward to them. These are relationships which we treasure! And they are just that, relationships. Relationships between real people with real, sometimes differing, needs. Thus, we can alter the specifics of our open adoptions to meet the needs of all of us. Sometimes we have to compromise. But as we have compromised, we've seen our relationship with at least one birth mother grow and become very fulfilling. The other birth mother we have less contact with and don't know as well, but we still enjoy the opportunity to tell her how her child is growing and developing. We do not fear these women!
One thing that I especially love is to look at my children and see traits or interests of their birth parents reflected in them. This is not threatening--it is cool! I see Sariah's fascination with helping me cook and wonder if she got that from her birth mom, who loves to cook. We recently got a letter from Dallin's birth mom where she shared some similarities between him and his birth uncle, and that was fun to hear about. I love that when I look into either of my children's faces, I see their birth mothers' physical features reflected there.
I love these women. I consider them my friends. I haven't seen either one of them for years and probably won't see them for many years to come, but I wish I could. That would be a dream come true.
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