Adoption Myths: Myth #1

I'm starting a new series on common myths that people have about adoptive parenting. I'm not planning a particular number of posts, because I don't want to be tied down to a set number of essays. If you read my last two attachment parenting posts, you probably noticed that I'm getting a bit burned out on that topic (yeah, I admit that last one was especially lame!), and with this new one I only want to write about what I want to write about, nothing more.

I've decided that one of my passions is advocating for the needs of adoptive mothers. This is a definite result of my own journey the last few years, my journey of being an adoptive mother and winding my way through the unique and sometimes lonely experiences that has entailed. I want to promote greater awareness of and sensitivity toward adoptive parents, especially mothers.

So, with that introduction, here is Myth #1: You can never love an adopted child quite as much as you love your "own" child. How many times have we heard this, either straight-out or implied?

My initial response to this myth is that it is blatantly false! Virtually all people who say this have never adopted a child and therefore have no idea how adoptive parents feel about their children! With very few exceptions, every parent I've ever talked to who has both biological and adopted children has said that the feelings are the same. Now, the road to getting there might have been a bit different, but the end place, the bonds of love, are the same. The rare exceptions I've heard to this sentiment involve extenuating circumstances that are complicating the parent's feelings.

There is nothing magic about "blood". Blood is thicker than water? Well, love is thicker than blood! What of the so-called mothering hormones? Well, is love ultimately a hormone or a fruit of the Spirit? Now, I don't want to discount the very real role that hormones and biological processes can play in helping to jump start a mother's feelings for her child. I know those are real. But my point is that those are not the only way that love/bonding can develop. And--who knows to what extent adoptive mothers experience some of those same hormones, even though the process of receiving a baby might be different?

I believe that the connection between our bodies-minds-spirits is very profound and not very well understood. Some years ago I watched a news show where scientists analyzed the brain patterns of people who were daydreaming. They found that the brain processed the daydreams exactly the same it processed real events. A friend of mine remembers reading a scholarly article that described a study in which adoptive mothers showed the same levels of certain hormones in their bloodstreams as post-partum women. Another friend described her feelings when one of her adopted babies would cry this way: "If I would have been breastfeeding, I would have leaked milk all over myself. That's the way her cries affected me."

What exactly is bonding? Some people believe that bonding is a biological, hormonal process that can happen only between a birthmother and her child. Such thinkers believe that anybody can "attach", but that it is not quite the same as that bond. Now, what, honestly, would be the difference? How on earth could you ever prove such a thing? How would you quantify or qualify it? How can you measure love?

I watched that biological bonding happen between my daughter and her birthmother a few hours after Sariah was born. This was the first time her birthmom had seen her since the birth, and first time we had ever met either of them. I watched that instant love wash over her as she examined her newborn baby from head to toe. It was amazing! I had seen this phenomenon described in a book written by a midwife about her experiences with birthing women. Was I envious? Yes. At that time, Sariah seemed like a stranger to me. But I knew I would have those moments too! I also knew that this moment was very important to both Sariah and her birthmom. It was one of a very few moments they would share, and I wanted them to have it.

Many adoptive mothers that I know report having this very experience when they meet their babies for the first time. They fall in love instantly. Some don't, me included. (At least so far...) I don't think it has to do with adoption itself, but more to do with individual personalities as well as circumstances unique to each adoption. Births can be different, and a traumatic or disappointing birth experience can affect how quickly bonding happens. It is the same for adoptions, and it doesn't mean that the whole experience of adoption is somehow less.

Just as a woman's birth experience can be affected by the environment, drugs given, medical interventions, health issues with the baby, or other emotional factors, a parent's adoption experience can be affected by various factors that can cause temporary delays in bonding. These are not total roadblocks, just small hurdles that will disappear in time. Some of these hurdles include:

legal risks, not knowing exactly when or if this child will be theirs
lack of time to prepare for a coming baby (short notice adoptions)
lack of education, lack of understanding of what to expect emotionally
the need to balance emotions and not become too entitled prior to placement
lack of societal support for one's experience as an expectant parent or new parent
experiencing excessive worry over birthparents' losses
previous failed adoptions
unmet expectations about what the adoption experience will be like
personality/temperament
self-limiting beliefs

The important thing to remember is that bonding is a process. Always! Even the person who feels an instant rush of love upon meeting their baby (biological or adopted) isn't guaranteed to have those feelings continue. Bonding happens as we serve and sacrifice for our children and as our efforts are reciprocated. We do the sleepless nights and the teething and the hours of pacing the floor with a fussy little one. In return, our babies gives us their soft skin, sweet gurgles, and strategic smiles. We fall in love, over and over and over, line upon line.

I can think of the moments with my own children where our bonds were cemented, little by little. I'll never forget nursing each child for the first time. I truly don't think I got much in the way of nursing hormones with my induced lactation experience. But I do remember the quiet solitude of cradling each baby close, just me and them as luck would have it, and basking in their preciousness and the amazement that they were now mine. I remember feeling their little spirits so close. I remember Dallin's first smile, at age three weeks. Babies weren't supposed to smile that early, at least not real smiles. But this was a real one, no doubt about it. And it was aimed straight at me.

Why did I not fall in love the instant I met each of my children? Well, I can name many of the factors I described above. With Dallin, there was the long placement culminating very late at night. While his placement was one of the most spiritual and profound experiences of my life, something I would not change for the world, it was exhausting. His birthmother's grief was intense, and I worried for her. For several days, I felt very connected to her, and my connection to him was through her. As I mentioned, placement was amazing, but the coming home was very different than what I'd anticipated (getting to a hotel at 1:00 am, utterly spent, rather than basking with our new baby all afternoon). We were cramped in an uncomfortable hotel room rather than relaxing at home in familiar surroundings. However, bonding happened quickly and easily. It was only a matter of days... perhaps a few weeks.... until I knew he was mine and loved him completely. Even with that, I felt motherly instincts toward him from day one, and would have done anything to nurture and protect him.

With Sariah, I think it mainly had to do with the lack of time to adjust to her coming, and my failure to cultivate an experience of "expecting" her. Her coming was a whirlwind, happening on very short notice in the middle of funeral plans for my mother-in-law, and there was simply no time to sit and reflect on the changes that were happening to us. Also, I'm a thinker, analyzer, and worrier, more than a feeler. It's hard for me to relax and just allow emotion to wash over me. Cultivating that deep love that only a mother can know took a bit longer with her, but now you would never know it! I would defy anyone to tell me that they love their biological children more than I love my beautiful adopted children, or that the quality of their relationship with their kids is any more than mine is with my kids!

I believe that bringing intention to the adoption process prepares parents to bond. In fact, I think the adoption process primes parents for bonding if they let it! Infertility creates an an indescribably deep and profound loss in a mother's life, a gigantic hole just begging to be filled. When you've experienced going without in such a life-altering way, it molds you. The old saying that when you adopt a child, you baby may not have grown in your belly, but s/he grew in your heart instead is absolutely true!

My favorite adoption book is Launching a Baby's Adoption, by Patricia Irwin Johnston, adoptive mother and parent educator. In it, she describes the concept of the psychological pregnancy. She notes similarities between physical pregnancies and adoptive expectancies in the psychological stages that expectant parents go through in preparing emotionally to bond with their new babies:

Physical pregnancies:

1. Pregnancy validation--accepting the pregnancy itself as a reality
2. Fetal embodiment--incorporating the fetus into the mother's body image
3. Fetal distinction--seeing the fetus as a separate entity from the mother in order to make plans for him
4. Role transition--preparing to take on the parenting role

Adoptive pregnancies:

1. Adoption validation--accepting the fact that a child will join the family by adoption rather than by birth
2. Child embodiment--incorporating this genetically unrelated child into the parents' emotional images of their family
3. Child distinction--beginning to perceive of this child as real in order to make plans for him
4. Role transition--preparing to take on the role of parents by adoption

Many adoptive parents who pursue international adoptions or waiting child adoptions report bonding to photos of their child when they receive the referral. I think that in domestic open adoptions, the bonding we experience with our children's expectant mothers also helps this process along.

I'm not going to get into the intricacies of older-child adoptions, except to say that I believe it is absolutely possible to eventually bond with an older child and feel just as deeply for them as you would for a biological child. I do believe that there are many more hurdles in these situations, and that much more time is probably needed to reach that point, though I also know parents of older children who fell in love instantly the first time they ever laid eyes upon their future child. I think that again, intentionality, education, flexibility, and a great deal of patience are in order in these situations.

I want to talk for a moment about what I believe may be the single biggest difference between biological families and adoptive families, a difference that can impact bonding, although most adoptive families are strong enough and determined enough to blaze through this one. I want to talk about the ways in which our society can chip away at adoptive families' sense of "realness".
Most parents may receive criticism for a myriad of things related to parenting style and choices they make for their families. But they do not have the experience of having their very relationships questioned or even outright attacked. Adoptive parents live with this on a continual basis! They learn to ignore most of it, but still, it is there, subtly invading their lives.

Some examples of how this occurs:

The circulation of various annoying and hurtful myths, like those that I will be addressing in this series--the myth that adoption will lead to getting pregnant, that biological parents love their kids more than adoptive parents do, that being adopted creates a primal wound that a child can never recover from, etc. (I do believe that adoption involves loss, sometimes great loss, and that grief can accompany that loss. But I do not believe in the concept of a primal wound.)

The plethora of search & reunion shows on television that focus exclusively on the birth family relationships and ignore the adoptive ones. (Just to be clear, I am entirely in favor of adoptees searching for their birth families, and I hope my children have the chance to meet theirs some day. But I hate the way that adoptive families are shoved under the rugs just so the media can create a hoopla and raise ratings by manipulating people's emotions.)

The hate-filled existence of the anti-adoption movement, a movement of people who believe adoption is outright wrong and won't hesitate to spew their views to anyone who might be within earshot, including people living in adoptive families.

The difference in the way adoptive parents, especially mothers, are treated while they are expecting. This generally does not happen on purpose, but only because other women don't understand that the needs of expectant and new adoptive mothers are the same as their own and don't think to make their circle more inclusive.

And last--but most important--how insensitive and improper language both reflects and shapes people's views of adoption. How many adoptive mothers have been asked by well-meaning friends, "So, what do you know about his mom?" (And they don't mean the adoptive mom.) "So, did you get to meet her real mom?" "Yeah, you got your baby the easy way..." "That's an amazing thing you're doing, taking in someone else's kids..." I have been known to correct people when they say things like this. Correcting people is no easy task, but I feel it's important because if we don't speak up, nothing will ever change! Invariably, people will say something to the effect of, "Well, you know what I mean..." Yeah, I do know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean.

Now, honestly, if someone were talking to one of my children's birthmothers, I would hope that they would validate that birthmom's experience too, by referring to her as the "mother" in her own presence and to me as the adoptive mother. The mother whom you are addressing is the mother. My kids' birthmoms are mothers too. We are all their mothers.

Even very confident adoptive mothers can be worn down by the constant intimations that they are not "real" or that adoption is "different" or "less than". Although we become accustomed to it, it can still be draining to continually feel like it is you against the world when it comes to affirming your family bonds and your mothering experience. This needs to change!

How can society support adoptive families?

Number one is language! Reverse all the negative and diminishing language I mentioned above. Realize that I am my child's mother. Yes, my child has another mother, but that other mother is really none of your concern. To you, I am the mother.

People need to realize that when the spout off all their opinions about adoption, they are talking about someone's family. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Include adoptive parents, especially mothers, in any and all discussions of parenthood, particularly in group situations. You don't have to stop talking about pregnancy and birth completely (though it is nice if you can remember that there are other aspects of parenthood too!), but find ways to bring that adoptive mother into the conversation. Don't make her have to do all the work to fit in! If she's expecting her baby, ask her what names she's thought of. If everyone is sharing their birth story, ask her to tell her adoption story. And when she does, focus on her, not on the birthmom's experiece. I'll never forget eagerly sharing Dallin's adoption story with a group of women who had been sharing tender and sacred birth experiences, only to have every response be along the lines of, "Oh, wow, I can't imagine how anyone could say goodbye to their own child." Not. one. person. connected the dots that this was MY story, my becoming-a-mother story. Rather than feeling connected to the group, I felt isolated and different, and it hurt.

Anyway, the reality is that most adoptive families will bond just fine, even despite the hurdles that society can create. But just as there are activists who seek to empower women to have birth experiences that will promote easier and better bonding, I wish to be an activist who will do the same for adoptive mothers. I hope to break down these barriers, one conversation at a time. I hope that as others understand the process of creating an adoptive family and falling in love with one's child, they might see that it's not really much different. There might be a few detours along the way, and sometimes the speed might be a bit slower (and both of these things can happen in biological families too!), but we all arrive at the same place, a beautiful place that we never quite imagined before we got there.

Ultimately, we need to remember that our connections didn't start at conception. They started long before that, in the spirit world, where we were all brothers and sisters. Maybe the veil over us has caused us to momentarily forget a few things, but once we're here on earth together, we quickly regain those relationships, and they just continue to grow. Maybe biological parents get to renew those relationships nine months sooner than we do (or perhaps a few years' sooner in some cases)... but that really is just a drop in the bucket in the vast eternities.