As part of my series on attachment parenting, this week I'll be discussing feeding.
One of my favorite books, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn, says this about feeding: Taking nourishment is a fundamental human function to which we usually bring remarkably little moment-to-moment awareness, although it occupies enormous amounts of time, energy, and thought. A similar lack of awareness clouds our ability to see and appreciate some of the most important aspects of providing nourishment for babies, although it is an activity that parents engage in many times throughout the day and night. If we go into parenting with the understanding that human connection and interaction are of paramount importance, the seemingly ordinary but formative choices we make around feeding, and, more importantly, the quality of the attention that we bring to it as we engage in it, will be more in tune with the full range of our infant's needs, and likely to feed more aspects of our child's being than just his belly.
I love that thought, and it perfectly describes my approach to feeding my babies. My ultimate goal, especially for the child's first year of life, is to establish and maintain trust between me and my baby. Every decision I make for my child is filtered through the lens of "will this build trust and help us be more connected, or will it do the opposite?"
The following link is a great one to offer basic information on feeding, some of which I will cover here: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/feed.php
Now, on to more detail!
I believe that breastfeeding is the biological norm, and that if one has the ability to breastfeed, any deviation from that course should come only after extremely serious consideration. Not breastfeeding is a choice NOT to be taken lightly. I believe that Heavenly Father created women the way they are for a good reason, and one of the things He created (most of) us to do is to physically nourish our babies with our own bodies. I believe that breastfeeding is one of the easiest ways to create attachment and to nourish the emotional connection between ourselves and our children.
Helpful breastfeeding links:
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/bf/index.asp
http://www.llli.org/nb.html
http://www.breastfeeding.com/
http://www.kellymom.com/
http://www.drjacknewman.com/breastfeeding-help.asp
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/2/T020100.asp
Since my audience here consists mainly of mothers whose children have come through adoption, we need to talk about other ways of feeding and nourishing babies. (I will share a post later in the week talking about my personal experience with inducing lactation and adoptive breastfeeding, as that is one option.) While breastfeeding is an easy way to become connected to one's child, it is not the only way, as my own life experiences have taught me!
Think of the word nursing and it's connotations. To me, this word implies giving tender, loving care to one's child while feeding. It's a very soft, warm word that perfectly expresses the relationship I hope to cultivate with my babies, the way I want to treat them. I want to nurse them and to nourish them and to nurture them! And there are ways to do all of these things with a bottle, for those of us who are in the exceptional circumstance of needing to rely on bottles to feed our children.
Here are some things to keep in mind if you must bottlenurse rather than breastfeed your baby:
Keep the breastfeeding relationship as the standard, and do your best to mimic that relationship as much as possible.
Always feed your baby in your arms, in the nursing position, cradled closely, baby's face turned toward you, possibly skin-to-skin. Eye-contact is very important, as is the physical touch. Many parents feed their babies bottles by sitting them on their laps and turning the baby outward--this is backwards, we want baby to be looking at us! Don't encourage your baby to hold her own bottle. (Though I have to say that when my children were old enough to insist on it, I didn't fight them about it. I didn't think that creating a power struggle was really conducive to having a nice bonding experience while feeding.) Never, never, never prop a bottle for a baby, it's dangerous!
Limit who feeds the baby to mom or dad only. Some people suggest that only mom should feed, but I personally think that's a bit much and not necessary. The point is that baby should associate food and comfort with mom and dad, not any random person who happens to be present.
Feed on demand. This is a biggie! Attachment occurs as there is a cycle of baby having a need, and parents meeting that need. When we schedule feedings, we break that cycle. We teach baby not to listen to his own body and the cues it gives him. We ignore opportunities to increase the bond with our baby by teaching him that we won't always meet his needs. Also, let the baby decide when she is finished eating. With bottlefeeding, there can be a tendency to push baby to finish her bottle so that we don't waste expensive formula. But again, the infant needs to learn to listen to her body's cues that she is full.
Breastfeeding is about much more than the milk, and so is bottlenursing. It's about receiving physical sustenance, but it's also about experiencing comfort and security in Mom's or Dad's arms, and it's important for baby to associate all of these things together with her parents. Babies need to learn that their parents are The Source for everything good!
Breastfed babies often nurse for comfort, and they suck differently when they are hungry than they do when they are just needing Mommy. They take in less milk. Bottlefed babies will get the same amount of milk either way, and overfeeding can be a concern. Therefore, bottlefeeding parents will often need to introduce a pacifier to meet baby's sucking needs (which are REAL emotional needs). Keep the same rules for binkies as you have for bottles: binkies should be given in a parent's arms only and always associated with the physical comfort of the parent's presence.
Attachment parenting also informs the way I approach weaning my children. Many mothers who practice AP practice extended nursing, breastfeeding their children well into toddlerhood or sometimes beyond. This is not always well-accepted in our culture, where most children are weaned by the age of one. There are many physical benefits to extended breastfeeding, and the World Health Organization actually recommends that a child nurse until at least the age of two. There are also great emotional benefits to extended nursing. In many cultures across the world, nursing toddlers and preschoolers is absolutely normal and has been for thousands of years. Our American discomfort with this practice is purely a cultural thing.
I have not been able to nurse either of my children long enough for them to be toddlers, but we did continue their bottlefeeding well into their toddler years. In both cases, I watched my children closely and initiated weaning when I felt they were ready to accept it. I believe Dallin was around 18 months old, but he continued to use a pacifier for comfort until he was almost three. Sariah dropped most of her daytime bottles by age 26 months, but continued to have one right before bedtime until she was 2.5.
There are a few considerations that we bottlefeeding moms have to take into account, the main one being that formula or milk should not stay on the teeth too long. Breastfed children again suck differently when they are simply comforting themselves as opposed to when they are truly hungry, and so the milk doesn't pool in the mouth as much as it does for children drinking bottles. Thus, I probably would have allowed my children to nurse longer if they had been breastfed. But I still tried to be as gentle and respectful as possible during the weaning process, and there was no trauma involved whatsoever! The key factors were that I waited until I felt they were ready, and then I backed off if it seemed that maybe they weren't quite ready. Weaning was a gradual process taking months rather than a few days, but it was completely painless. We were always respectful of the child's needs and choices, realizing that the bottle was a very prized thing in their little lives and that sucking needs can continue well into toddlerhood.
Again, if you are allowing your child to continue to bottlefeed into toddlerhood, the key is remembering that the bottlefeeding is about nurturing your relationship with your child! The bottle or pacifier is a tool used by you, not a replacement for your presence. The child should again be in your arms, not allowed to run around the house with the bottle or binkie.
I will be the first to admit that this is easier said than done! While a breast can't be detached and carried around, a bottle can, and it is quite difficult to insist that it not be. I will not claim to be perfect at enforcing this, but I can say that we did pretty well.
All of this does take more work and effort for the bottlefeeding mother, moreso than for the breastfeeding mother. Some of that work and effort probably comes in the form of warding off people who don't understand why you do what you do and who are trying to "help" by encouraging you to do otherwise. But to me, it has been worth it!
One of my favorite books, Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn, says this about feeding: Taking nourishment is a fundamental human function to which we usually bring remarkably little moment-to-moment awareness, although it occupies enormous amounts of time, energy, and thought. A similar lack of awareness clouds our ability to see and appreciate some of the most important aspects of providing nourishment for babies, although it is an activity that parents engage in many times throughout the day and night. If we go into parenting with the understanding that human connection and interaction are of paramount importance, the seemingly ordinary but formative choices we make around feeding, and, more importantly, the quality of the attention that we bring to it as we engage in it, will be more in tune with the full range of our infant's needs, and likely to feed more aspects of our child's being than just his belly.
I love that thought, and it perfectly describes my approach to feeding my babies. My ultimate goal, especially for the child's first year of life, is to establish and maintain trust between me and my baby. Every decision I make for my child is filtered through the lens of "will this build trust and help us be more connected, or will it do the opposite?"
The following link is a great one to offer basic information on feeding, some of which I will cover here: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/feed.php
Now, on to more detail!
I believe that breastfeeding is the biological norm, and that if one has the ability to breastfeed, any deviation from that course should come only after extremely serious consideration. Not breastfeeding is a choice NOT to be taken lightly. I believe that Heavenly Father created women the way they are for a good reason, and one of the things He created (most of) us to do is to physically nourish our babies with our own bodies. I believe that breastfeeding is one of the easiest ways to create attachment and to nourish the emotional connection between ourselves and our children.
Helpful breastfeeding links:
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/bf/index.asp
http://www.llli.org/nb.html
http://www.breastfeeding.com/
http://www.kellymom.com/
http://www.drjacknewman.com/breastfeeding-help.asp
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/2/T020100.asp
Since my audience here consists mainly of mothers whose children have come through adoption, we need to talk about other ways of feeding and nourishing babies. (I will share a post later in the week talking about my personal experience with inducing lactation and adoptive breastfeeding, as that is one option.) While breastfeeding is an easy way to become connected to one's child, it is not the only way, as my own life experiences have taught me!
Think of the word nursing and it's connotations. To me, this word implies giving tender, loving care to one's child while feeding. It's a very soft, warm word that perfectly expresses the relationship I hope to cultivate with my babies, the way I want to treat them. I want to nurse them and to nourish them and to nurture them! And there are ways to do all of these things with a bottle, for those of us who are in the exceptional circumstance of needing to rely on bottles to feed our children.
Here are some things to keep in mind if you must bottlenurse rather than breastfeed your baby:
Keep the breastfeeding relationship as the standard, and do your best to mimic that relationship as much as possible.
Always feed your baby in your arms, in the nursing position, cradled closely, baby's face turned toward you, possibly skin-to-skin. Eye-contact is very important, as is the physical touch. Many parents feed their babies bottles by sitting them on their laps and turning the baby outward--this is backwards, we want baby to be looking at us! Don't encourage your baby to hold her own bottle. (Though I have to say that when my children were old enough to insist on it, I didn't fight them about it. I didn't think that creating a power struggle was really conducive to having a nice bonding experience while feeding.) Never, never, never prop a bottle for a baby, it's dangerous!
Limit who feeds the baby to mom or dad only. Some people suggest that only mom should feed, but I personally think that's a bit much and not necessary. The point is that baby should associate food and comfort with mom and dad, not any random person who happens to be present.
Feed on demand. This is a biggie! Attachment occurs as there is a cycle of baby having a need, and parents meeting that need. When we schedule feedings, we break that cycle. We teach baby not to listen to his own body and the cues it gives him. We ignore opportunities to increase the bond with our baby by teaching him that we won't always meet his needs. Also, let the baby decide when she is finished eating. With bottlefeeding, there can be a tendency to push baby to finish her bottle so that we don't waste expensive formula. But again, the infant needs to learn to listen to her body's cues that she is full.
Breastfeeding is about much more than the milk, and so is bottlenursing. It's about receiving physical sustenance, but it's also about experiencing comfort and security in Mom's or Dad's arms, and it's important for baby to associate all of these things together with her parents. Babies need to learn that their parents are The Source for everything good!
Breastfed babies often nurse for comfort, and they suck differently when they are hungry than they do when they are just needing Mommy. They take in less milk. Bottlefed babies will get the same amount of milk either way, and overfeeding can be a concern. Therefore, bottlefeeding parents will often need to introduce a pacifier to meet baby's sucking needs (which are REAL emotional needs). Keep the same rules for binkies as you have for bottles: binkies should be given in a parent's arms only and always associated with the physical comfort of the parent's presence.
Attachment parenting also informs the way I approach weaning my children. Many mothers who practice AP practice extended nursing, breastfeeding their children well into toddlerhood or sometimes beyond. This is not always well-accepted in our culture, where most children are weaned by the age of one. There are many physical benefits to extended breastfeeding, and the World Health Organization actually recommends that a child nurse until at least the age of two. There are also great emotional benefits to extended nursing. In many cultures across the world, nursing toddlers and preschoolers is absolutely normal and has been for thousands of years. Our American discomfort with this practice is purely a cultural thing.
I have not been able to nurse either of my children long enough for them to be toddlers, but we did continue their bottlefeeding well into their toddler years. In both cases, I watched my children closely and initiated weaning when I felt they were ready to accept it. I believe Dallin was around 18 months old, but he continued to use a pacifier for comfort until he was almost three. Sariah dropped most of her daytime bottles by age 26 months, but continued to have one right before bedtime until she was 2.5.
There are a few considerations that we bottlefeeding moms have to take into account, the main one being that formula or milk should not stay on the teeth too long. Breastfed children again suck differently when they are simply comforting themselves as opposed to when they are truly hungry, and so the milk doesn't pool in the mouth as much as it does for children drinking bottles. Thus, I probably would have allowed my children to nurse longer if they had been breastfed. But I still tried to be as gentle and respectful as possible during the weaning process, and there was no trauma involved whatsoever! The key factors were that I waited until I felt they were ready, and then I backed off if it seemed that maybe they weren't quite ready. Weaning was a gradual process taking months rather than a few days, but it was completely painless. We were always respectful of the child's needs and choices, realizing that the bottle was a very prized thing in their little lives and that sucking needs can continue well into toddlerhood.
Again, if you are allowing your child to continue to bottlefeed into toddlerhood, the key is remembering that the bottlefeeding is about nurturing your relationship with your child! The bottle or pacifier is a tool used by you, not a replacement for your presence. The child should again be in your arms, not allowed to run around the house with the bottle or binkie.
I will be the first to admit that this is easier said than done! While a breast can't be detached and carried around, a bottle can, and it is quite difficult to insist that it not be. I will not claim to be perfect at enforcing this, but I can say that we did pretty well.
All of this does take more work and effort for the bottlefeeding mother, moreso than for the breastfeeding mother. Some of that work and effort probably comes in the form of warding off people who don't understand why you do what you do and who are trying to "help" by encouraging you to do otherwise. But to me, it has been worth it!
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