I had to admit I was shocked at his cavalier attitude. Now, I know there are situations where babies have to be with other caregivers, either because of situations like ours or unforeseen medical complications. I know the Lord watches over these babies and families. But I could not believe that this intelligent, educated man (who in every other way had been a fantastic caseworker) actually believed that a newborn baby does not notice what's going on around him.
Scientific research has shown clearly that newborn babies are quite aware of what is going on around them and what is happening to them. Of course, they don't have the cognitive understanding to be able to know why some of things are happening--but they do experience them fully.
Imagine going from the warmth of the womb, where your every need is instantly met without you having to do anything to make it happen, to the cold, bright world of a hospital room. Suddenly, you are separated from the environment that has been familiar to you for the past nine months. You are subjected to painful procedures and treatment that may not be quite as gentle as it could be. You may be kept away from your mother for extended periods of time and cared for by multiple, unfamiliar strangers. Instead of getting to cozy up next to your mother, skin-to-skin, basking in familiar sounds and scents, you are wrapped in unfamiliar material and stuck to sleep in a hard, plastic box. Your cries of hunger (an entirely new sensation!) may or may not be responded to quickly. This is your first experience with something called distress--a state which is hopefully soon followed with comfort. But may not be.
I think a baby's first moments and hours on earth are a vitally important time. Not only has baby just emerged from the warm, safe, easy environment of the womb, but baby has also very recently come from the spirit world and Heavenly Father's presence. These are his or her very first moments of mortality, the experience he or she has been looking forward to for eons! The experience we create for baby at this sacred and momentous time is almost without parallel in its significance. Let's do everything within our power to do it right!
Just for a minute, I want to talk about awareness and adoption. Some people use this scientific knowledge of a baby's state of awareness to advocate against adoption. They say that it is cruel punishment to take a baby away from the only mother she has ever known and give her to strangers. To me, this is where I must combine my spiritual understanding with my intellectual understanding. See, I do believe that babies are very, very aware. But I believe that physical awareness is also accompanied by spiritual awareness. I believe that generally, the veil is thin during the time surrounding a spirit's descent into mortality. Now, just how thin it is, and just what spiritual understanding is extended to that particular baby, is unknown. I personally believe that it varies from baby to baby. I know mothers who have felt that their baby experienced a bit of a rough transition during the adoption process. Perhaps the veil was not completely opened for that child. Perhaps this was so in order for that child to have the mortal experience that would give them the most testing and growth. I don't know. I do know that my own children showed no signs whatsoever of any discomfort or trauma associated with their leaving their birthmothers and coming to our home. I definitely do not believe in the idea that separating a child from her biological mother will create some sort of primal wound that will never be healed! I believe that in many if not most cases, the baby who is being adopted is going from one familiar environment to another, from one familiar person to others who are just as familiar, even if in some cases, the veil obscures this momentarily. I DO believe that the transition from the spirit world to mortality is in and of itself a much more "traumatic" transition than from one parent to another in an adoption.
But again, back to the original discussion of easing a babe's transition into mortality: my reading on attachment parenting opened my eyes to things I had never considered and yet made SO much sense. It is important to do everything in our power to minimize any bumps for these little ones so fresh from God. Again, we recognize that sometimes there are bumps, necessary ones. But more often than not, things take place in the life of a newly-born baby that aren't necessary, that don't have to be that way.
The Baby Book, by Dr. William Sears, is a fantastic place to start for prospective parents unfamiliar with attachment parenting or infant care. Here are some of the things Dr. Sears lists as being important for a brand new little one freshly emerged from the womb:
He stresses making sure that baby stays with mother as much as possible during the time right after birth. Many of the so-called "routine" hospital practices which separate a baby from its mother could be delayed or avoided completely. Almost nothing (except a true medical emergency) should interfere with the infant and its parents being able to be physically together during the sensitive time after the baby's birth. During this time, parents need to touch, make eye contact, and talk to their new little one. Baby needs to nurse. Physical examinations of the new infant can be done while that infant is cradled in its mother's arms. A newborn baby has a brief period of quiet alertness during the hour or so after birth before typically falling asleep. Yet the eye ointment that is routinely put in the newborn's eyes right after birth interferes with the baby's ability to see clearly, to see its mother during this very important bonding time!
Other routine practices such as circumcision and the giving of shots introduce pain into a tiny one's life long before that babe needs to experience pain. (I'm not going to debate those things here, I'm just saying that if parents are going to choose those things, do they really need to happen within the first hours of life? No.)
Dr. Sears also encourages mothers to room-in with their babies, making sure that nursery time is kept to an absolute minimum. Again, when there is not a medical reason to separate mother and baby, don't do it! Babies are programmed to be with their mothers, to need their mothers, not to need nurses.
Now, returning to adoption: Of course, as adoptive parents, we often have no control whatsoever over what happens to our baby in the hospital, because usually our baby is still in the custody and care of its birthmother and she gets to make those decisions. If asked, I would certainly share some of this knowledge with my baby's birthmom. But since this is her only time to mother her child, I feel that it's very important that she gets to be the mother, fully and completely, and that she gets to do so without pressure or interference from others. After all, getting to have that stewardship is part of being a mother! I feel grateful that both of my children were able to spend ample time with their birthmothers in the hospital, including being nursed by them. Sure, not everything happened exactly the way we would have chosen for it to happen...but instead of dwelling on that, we chose to focus on what we could control.
I think of the famous Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference! (I don't know if I got that wording exactly right, but that's the gist of it.) That wisdom comes through reading, study, and inspiration. There is much that we can change and can control and can insist on, but many people don't even know they have a choice or that their choice is important. Some "traditions" are worth changing because they are just that, traditions, and not always good ones.
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