Apparently this term is very offensive to some people in adoption circles. I've been reading a discussion on another board about the use of respectful adoption language, and as part of that discussion, someone mentioned how awful and insensitive it is when adoptive parents say that their children's being in their families was "meant to be". Supposedly this completely negates the feelings of birth parents because it implies that their pain and suffereing was "meant to be". Some people feel that this kind of claiming and entitlement is inappropriate and offensive. (Interestly, most of the people that were most adamant about this were not birth parents, but fellow adoptive parents.)
Now, if I were speaking to a group of birth parents, I would be exceedingly careful and sensitive about what I said and how I said it. But--I do believe that my children's adoptions were meant to be! There is no question in my mind that Heavenly Father intended these children for our family! I can't even count the number of promptings, spiritual experiences, uncanny "coincidences", and outright miracles that we experienced during our journey to our children. One thing I love about LDS Family Services is that expectant mothers are encouraged to make their decisions as part of a spiritual journey. They are encouraged to pray and counsel with the Lord over their adoption experiences. I know that Dallin's birth mother felt the influence of the Spirit and felt very much directed as she chose a family for Dallin. While Sariah's birth mother did not want to be part of the family-selection process, the agency workers testified to having received unmistakable revelation as to which family this little girl was supposed to be with.
I don't want to get into more detail about our experiences, because most of our friends and family are already familiar with the stories, and also because they are sacred. But I do want to touch on one other aspect of this idea of "meant to be".
I simply cannot imagine raising a child and not being able to give them the knowledge that they were meant to be mine! Now, some of the writers I came across would say that this knowledge would be harmful to my children and harmful to their birth mothers. But I say that's baloney. Painful for some birth mothers? Maybe. (Oh, how I wish that all birth mothers had the blessing of the comfort and companionship of the Holy Ghost during their pregnancies, as well as true and unbiased support of family and friends as they--and only they--made these momentous decisions.) Harmful to my children? Quite the opposite! I think that to raise a child without a sure knowledge that they belong in their family is harmful! I believe that God gave us this abundance of spiritual comfort, understanding, and pure revelation precisely so that we would share it with our children. It is to give them comfort and understanding as they seek to accept and integrate this unique experience called adoption into their lives.
Whenever I have pondered how to teach my children about adoption, I have over and over returned to the idea that the best way to understand adoption is to understand and accept the Plan of Salvation. Good old Mormon doctrine about the pre-earth life and the purpose of mortality is the best antidote to the wordly views that confuse people whose lives have been touched by adoption, whether they be birth parents, adoptive parents, or the children themselves.
Family relationships do not end at death. They do not begin at birth either! (Or conception, for that matter.) I don't know at what point my children were assigned to be in our family. But I do know that in at least one case, it was before that child was conceived. And in the other case, it was before that child was born. And in both cases, Heavenly Father knew. He knew and he made it known. These assignments were not accidents, and they were not merely the whims of the expectant mothers in question.
I'm grateful for the Spirit. I'm grateful that because of the Spirit, I can testify to those I love most about the things that I absolutely KNOW. I'm grateful that I can say with surety that it was meant to be. I hope that when I pass on this knowledge, it will be received with the same Spirit by which it was offered.
Now, if I were speaking to a group of birth parents, I would be exceedingly careful and sensitive about what I said and how I said it. But--I do believe that my children's adoptions were meant to be! There is no question in my mind that Heavenly Father intended these children for our family! I can't even count the number of promptings, spiritual experiences, uncanny "coincidences", and outright miracles that we experienced during our journey to our children. One thing I love about LDS Family Services is that expectant mothers are encouraged to make their decisions as part of a spiritual journey. They are encouraged to pray and counsel with the Lord over their adoption experiences. I know that Dallin's birth mother felt the influence of the Spirit and felt very much directed as she chose a family for Dallin. While Sariah's birth mother did not want to be part of the family-selection process, the agency workers testified to having received unmistakable revelation as to which family this little girl was supposed to be with.
I don't want to get into more detail about our experiences, because most of our friends and family are already familiar with the stories, and also because they are sacred. But I do want to touch on one other aspect of this idea of "meant to be".
I simply cannot imagine raising a child and not being able to give them the knowledge that they were meant to be mine! Now, some of the writers I came across would say that this knowledge would be harmful to my children and harmful to their birth mothers. But I say that's baloney. Painful for some birth mothers? Maybe. (Oh, how I wish that all birth mothers had the blessing of the comfort and companionship of the Holy Ghost during their pregnancies, as well as true and unbiased support of family and friends as they--and only they--made these momentous decisions.) Harmful to my children? Quite the opposite! I think that to raise a child without a sure knowledge that they belong in their family is harmful! I believe that God gave us this abundance of spiritual comfort, understanding, and pure revelation precisely so that we would share it with our children. It is to give them comfort and understanding as they seek to accept and integrate this unique experience called adoption into their lives.
Whenever I have pondered how to teach my children about adoption, I have over and over returned to the idea that the best way to understand adoption is to understand and accept the Plan of Salvation. Good old Mormon doctrine about the pre-earth life and the purpose of mortality is the best antidote to the wordly views that confuse people whose lives have been touched by adoption, whether they be birth parents, adoptive parents, or the children themselves.
Family relationships do not end at death. They do not begin at birth either! (Or conception, for that matter.) I don't know at what point my children were assigned to be in our family. But I do know that in at least one case, it was before that child was conceived. And in the other case, it was before that child was born. And in both cases, Heavenly Father knew. He knew and he made it known. These assignments were not accidents, and they were not merely the whims of the expectant mothers in question.
I'm grateful for the Spirit. I'm grateful that because of the Spirit, I can testify to those I love most about the things that I absolutely KNOW. I'm grateful that I can say with surety that it was meant to be. I hope that when I pass on this knowledge, it will be received with the same Spirit by which it was offered.
Comments
For people who don't believe in premortal life and who believe that a child's first existence is in the time of conception in the womb of its biological mother, of course they are going to believe that to take a baby away from that mother and give it to someone else, a substitute caregiver, is "less". But we have the knowledge that blows such a limited perspective out of the water!
It just amazes me that outside of LDS adoption circles, there is such a movement to take adoptive parents' voices out of the picture. Some would almost completely remove our stewardship to guide and teach our children, especially in matters specifically related to adoption. (We don't have the same right to opinions as do birthmothers and adoptees.) It just astounds me that I hear this rhetoric even from other adoptive parents!
But there were still quite obvious ways in which we saw the Lord's hand in all of it. I believe that God led her to LDSFS, even though she didn't recognize it. The only reason she chose LDSFS was that many years ago, she had a good friend who was LDS, and she remembered what a good person her friend was and wanted her baby placed in that kind of situation. I don't think that was an accident. The other interesting thing is that she was only in Utah for a few months--had never been here before and left a few weeks after placement. If she had not been in Utah, she probably would not have gone to LDSFS and Sariah would not have found her way to our family.
I do think it's really important in adoption that birth parents be free to make their own decisions. Any time agency is hampered, it's harder for the spirit to be present. When I think of all the women and girls who were pushed or forced into placing babies, it makes me sick. No wonder there are some hurting and angry birthparents out there--they have every right to be if things like this have happened to them!
I do think that even for birth mothers who may not know what the spirit is or recognize it, God can still work in their lives in behind-the-scenes ways.
I know that even adoptive parents have different opinions and experiences on whether or not their families were "meant to be". My main beef is when people want to take away our right to receive that inspiration and to tell us that it can't be meant to be.