In continuation of my series on the basics of Attachment Parenting, I wanted to include some thoughts on birth. The experience of birth is fundamental for all babies and most mothers, and it is simply impossible to adequately discuss attachment parenting without discussing birth too. I have asked my dear friend Stacy, a mother of three and doula (labor coach), to share her thoughts on preparing for this most amazing experience.
(If you're an adoptive mom, read on anyway! Some of these thoughts apply to us too!)
Its guaranteed to happen. Sit down with a group of women for more than five minutes and you won’t be able to avoid it. It doesn’t matter if the women you’re with are young, old, or in between, it seems all women are susceptible to it. LDS women are especially notorious for it. And if you’re pregnant, you’re going to get an extra helping whether you ask for it or not. What is it? Pregnancy advice. Rolled eyes and sarcasm about other’s birth choices. And of course, lots and lots of birth stories, the more graphic and horrific the better.
Each woman’s journey towards motherhood is unique, whether the woman is having her first or her fifth baby. Preparing for and undertaking that journey is one of the most personal, and potentially powerful journeys a woman can take in her life. Well meaning friends, relatives and stranger will be quick to offer their opinions, regale you with opinions, retell their own or other’s pregnancy and birth horror stories, and try to convince you that “their way” is the only true way to grow and birth a baby, when the truth is, that every woman has to navigate her way through the maze her own way.
So what’s a girl to do? TV portrays every birth as an emergency, and women tell you all the many reasons that they needed to be induced or how their doctors saved their lives during childbirth. And then there’s the ubiquitous “Why would you want to have a baby without drugs? You wouldn’t have your teeth worked on without novacaine, why would you have a baby without pain medication?” question. Women naturally feel passionate about their birth experiences and the choices they have made. And there are a lot of decisions to be made regarding pregnancy and birth. I want to outline some of the choices that women need to make during the course of a pregnancy and illustrate how an underlying philosophy of attachment parenting can and should affect those choices. But here’s my disclaimer: I am unabashedly pro-natural birth and pro-homebirth. I’ve had one baby in a hospital with almost every intervention known to man. I’ve had one baby in a car on the side of the freeway because my labor was so fast that I didn’t make it to the hospital in time. And I had my last baby at home, with the care of a wonderful midwife, doula, my husband and my two kids. I work as a doula, and I’ve primarily attended homebirths. I am NOT anti-hospital, medication, doctor, etc, and I do not believe that homebirth is right for every woman. But, I do think that women should be educated and enabled and yes, even empowered to make the choices that will be best for them and their developing baby.
Choice #1 Choose your birth by choosing your care provider and place of birth.
For most women, especially those pregnant for the first time, the thought of having a baby anywhere but inside the four wall of a hospital can seem a little weird at best, and reckless and dangerous at worst. When I was pregnant with my first baby, a friend of mine was planning a homebirth, and I spent hours wondering why in the world she would do something so dangerous. Almost everything we read as women, every birth we see on television leads us to believe that birth is dangerous, that something could go wrong any minute, that childbirth is so incredibly painful, and that if you don’t have your baby in a hospital with an ob/gyn by your side that you and your baby could die.
I went into my first birth whole-heartedly believing all of those things. I chose an ob/gyn by recommendation of a friend, and I thought he was fine. I would spend hours waiting in his office, then spending two minutes talking with him. The visits usually ended with him asking “Well, do you have any questions? No, okay, we’ll see you in four weeks,” with his hand on the doorknob the whole time. I remember asking him about his philosophies about episiotomies and his answer was “I do them on about 97% of first time moms. I find that they just don’t stretch as much as they need to.” I blithely nodded and smiled, deciding that if the doctor said it, it must be true.
I left the hospital with my healthy daughter, but was vaguely dissatisfied with my birth experience. As I thought about her birth over the next few weeks, I realized rather than being an active participant in my daughter’s birth, I felt that it was something happened to me. I came to the conclusion that because I was disconnected physically, it made it easier to disconnect emotionally. I’ve had two completely unmedicated births since then, and they both have been transformative experiences. Educating myself and choosing to prepare for unmedicated, out of hospital births made the births of my daughter and son incredible, powerful, life-altering experiences.
I’m not out to say that the only way to have a gratifying childbirth experience is through an unmedicated homebirth. I have been privileged to witness other women give birth, and what is ideal for one woman could very well be the opposite of what another needs to be fulfilled. What I am saying is that every woman should take the time necessary to educate herself and make decisions based on what she wants, rather than what everyone around her is doing or what a doctor says.
Just as you can’t get a filet mignon from a Burger King drive thru, if you want a peaceful, natural birth, you aren’t going to get it from a provider with a 50% cesarean rate, even if he/she says that your birth will be different. While hospitals are equipped to handle emergencies in childbirth, they are often not able to give a mother who desires an all-natural experience the freedom she needs. If you find yourself feeling like you have to fight and defend your choices to your provider, it may be time to stop the fighting and stress and find a provider capable of supporting you the way you want. Often, this leads women to step outside of the mainstream and choose a family practice doctor, a certified nurse midwife, a homebirth midwife, or even to birth unassisted.
Choice #2 Plan for and visualize the birth you want.
For many women, birth is just a means to an end; something to be endured or survived on the way to becoming a mother. Often, a woman who is dissatisfied with her baby’s birth will be told “Well, at least you have a healthy baby,” completely discounting what may have been a very traumatic experience. When I was training to be a doula, I learned that a woman is more likely to remember specific details about each of her births than she is about her own wedding day. Birth experiences can and will shape a woman’s confidence in herself, her body, and her ability as a mother, and should be planned for like any other life changing event would be.
I have heard from many women “I wanted to go natural, but it just didn’t work for me.” Or, “I have a low pain tolerance and could never handle a natural birth.” Sometimes, I have seen women put more energy and effort into planning their baby’s nursery color scheme than they do planning their birth. Just as you can’t run a marathon without training, and working for many months, having a satisfying natural birth takes education, preparation and effort.
I thought I was completely prepared for a natural birth with my second daughter. I had all the determination in the world to have an unmedicated birth. The wicked truth is, I had a labor that lasted less than an hour from active labor to my daughter being born on the side of the road on the way to the hospital. If we would have made it to the hospital, I would have begged for an epidural. I was blown away by the intensity of the contractions, and completely and woefully unprepared to cope with them.
There are so many good ways to prepare to have a good birth experience. No matter your style, you are sure to find books, childbirth prep classes and birth stories to help you prepare. You can read and research with statistics and analysis, you can study hypnosis for childbirth, you can paint, sculpt and create birth art, you can work with your partner or prepare on your own. But the important thing is, you have to prepare somehow. Fill yourself with positive images, stories and experiences. Surround yourself with people who can believe in you and support you as you prepare. Ask yourself lots of questions, and take lots of time to answer those questions. Accept that what you thought you wanted at the beginning of the pregnancy may change through the pregnancy. One of my favorite things to do when I was pregnant was to meditate about my upcoming birth; the more pondering I did about it, the more I realized which little details were most important to me.
Choice #3 Choose your support system.
Most women want support from someone during their labor and birthing time. Being surrounded by people who believe in you, believe in the process of birth, and who can support you physically and emotionally through the process can make all the difference in the world. As a doula, I’m obviously biased about the benefits of having a good support system in labor! Women in labor are extremely vulnerable to the power of suggestion, and I’ve seen women who were previously determined be undermined by a fearful comment from someone else in the room. Choose as many or as few people as you need to support you, and only invite those people to be present that can fully support you and your birth choices without their own fears, experiences or biases getting in the way. You may find that you need lots of people and lots of support. You might just as well find that you need to retreat into yourself and labor without interruption. (You may even find both of these scenarios to be true in the course of the same labor!) Remember that the labor and birth are about you and your developing baby. Do not invite someone just because you feel like you should, or that you are obligated to, or because it would be a good experience for them. To labor successfully, you have to be completely comfortable in your own skin and your surroundings, and I’ve seen more than one labor stall or completely shut down because of too many people, to much chit-chat, or a few unsupportive comments.
Choice #4 Prepare yourself emotionally.
The realities of caring for a tiny, screaming newborn often differ drastically from the rosey-hued, dreamy eyed, blissfully smiling baby food/diaper ads. Making decisions about how you are going to parent this new little person before they are born can lead to a calmer, more peaceful transition into motherhood.
I also think that pregnancy is a wonderful time to nurture yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Growing a little person inside of you can be an amazing physical drain. Allow yourself the time, rest, good nutrition and nurturing that you need to be happy and healthy. Take time to connect with your baby each day. I had some amazingly stressful times during my last pregnancy, and I was very concerned about how that stress was going to affect my growing baby. As cheesy as it sounds, during those most stressful days, I would take a little time to talk to my baby and let him know that he was loved.
One of my most treasured pregnancy experiences was when my midwife and doula decided to host a “Blessingway” for me, rather than a traditional baby shower. Many of my closest friends came, and instead of gifts for the baby, they each brought two beads, along with a memory of becoming a mother, and a wish for the birth. We had a wonderful, tearful, emotion-filled time sharing memories and wishes, and the necklace made out of those beads was a comfort and strength to me as I labored. We used henna to make a design on my belly, with each person adding their personalized touch. I left that day feeling strengthened by my dear friends, and drew on those sweet memories many times in the last long, difficult weeks of pregnancy. I firmly believe that every expectant mother deserves to be treated like a queen and should take the time to honor the changes that are taking place.
There are as many ways to approach pregnancy and birth as there are babies born every day. What is ideal for one woman may be another woman’s worst fear. In my opinion, the only way to be truly satisfied with your pregnancy and birth experience is to go in with your eyes wide open. Pregnancy and birth may be unpredictable, but if you take the time to educate yourself, design and plan for the birth that you want, you have a much greater chance of coming away from the birth feeling empowered and fulfilled.
(If you're an adoptive mom, read on anyway! Some of these thoughts apply to us too!)
Its guaranteed to happen. Sit down with a group of women for more than five minutes and you won’t be able to avoid it. It doesn’t matter if the women you’re with are young, old, or in between, it seems all women are susceptible to it. LDS women are especially notorious for it. And if you’re pregnant, you’re going to get an extra helping whether you ask for it or not. What is it? Pregnancy advice. Rolled eyes and sarcasm about other’s birth choices. And of course, lots and lots of birth stories, the more graphic and horrific the better.
Each woman’s journey towards motherhood is unique, whether the woman is having her first or her fifth baby. Preparing for and undertaking that journey is one of the most personal, and potentially powerful journeys a woman can take in her life. Well meaning friends, relatives and stranger will be quick to offer their opinions, regale you with opinions, retell their own or other’s pregnancy and birth horror stories, and try to convince you that “their way” is the only true way to grow and birth a baby, when the truth is, that every woman has to navigate her way through the maze her own way.
So what’s a girl to do? TV portrays every birth as an emergency, and women tell you all the many reasons that they needed to be induced or how their doctors saved their lives during childbirth. And then there’s the ubiquitous “Why would you want to have a baby without drugs? You wouldn’t have your teeth worked on without novacaine, why would you have a baby without pain medication?” question. Women naturally feel passionate about their birth experiences and the choices they have made. And there are a lot of decisions to be made regarding pregnancy and birth. I want to outline some of the choices that women need to make during the course of a pregnancy and illustrate how an underlying philosophy of attachment parenting can and should affect those choices. But here’s my disclaimer: I am unabashedly pro-natural birth and pro-homebirth. I’ve had one baby in a hospital with almost every intervention known to man. I’ve had one baby in a car on the side of the freeway because my labor was so fast that I didn’t make it to the hospital in time. And I had my last baby at home, with the care of a wonderful midwife, doula, my husband and my two kids. I work as a doula, and I’ve primarily attended homebirths. I am NOT anti-hospital, medication, doctor, etc, and I do not believe that homebirth is right for every woman. But, I do think that women should be educated and enabled and yes, even empowered to make the choices that will be best for them and their developing baby.
Choice #1 Choose your birth by choosing your care provider and place of birth.
For most women, especially those pregnant for the first time, the thought of having a baby anywhere but inside the four wall of a hospital can seem a little weird at best, and reckless and dangerous at worst. When I was pregnant with my first baby, a friend of mine was planning a homebirth, and I spent hours wondering why in the world she would do something so dangerous. Almost everything we read as women, every birth we see on television leads us to believe that birth is dangerous, that something could go wrong any minute, that childbirth is so incredibly painful, and that if you don’t have your baby in a hospital with an ob/gyn by your side that you and your baby could die.
I went into my first birth whole-heartedly believing all of those things. I chose an ob/gyn by recommendation of a friend, and I thought he was fine. I would spend hours waiting in his office, then spending two minutes talking with him. The visits usually ended with him asking “Well, do you have any questions? No, okay, we’ll see you in four weeks,” with his hand on the doorknob the whole time. I remember asking him about his philosophies about episiotomies and his answer was “I do them on about 97% of first time moms. I find that they just don’t stretch as much as they need to.” I blithely nodded and smiled, deciding that if the doctor said it, it must be true.
I left the hospital with my healthy daughter, but was vaguely dissatisfied with my birth experience. As I thought about her birth over the next few weeks, I realized rather than being an active participant in my daughter’s birth, I felt that it was something happened to me. I came to the conclusion that because I was disconnected physically, it made it easier to disconnect emotionally. I’ve had two completely unmedicated births since then, and they both have been transformative experiences. Educating myself and choosing to prepare for unmedicated, out of hospital births made the births of my daughter and son incredible, powerful, life-altering experiences.
I’m not out to say that the only way to have a gratifying childbirth experience is through an unmedicated homebirth. I have been privileged to witness other women give birth, and what is ideal for one woman could very well be the opposite of what another needs to be fulfilled. What I am saying is that every woman should take the time necessary to educate herself and make decisions based on what she wants, rather than what everyone around her is doing or what a doctor says.
Just as you can’t get a filet mignon from a Burger King drive thru, if you want a peaceful, natural birth, you aren’t going to get it from a provider with a 50% cesarean rate, even if he/she says that your birth will be different. While hospitals are equipped to handle emergencies in childbirth, they are often not able to give a mother who desires an all-natural experience the freedom she needs. If you find yourself feeling like you have to fight and defend your choices to your provider, it may be time to stop the fighting and stress and find a provider capable of supporting you the way you want. Often, this leads women to step outside of the mainstream and choose a family practice doctor, a certified nurse midwife, a homebirth midwife, or even to birth unassisted.
Choice #2 Plan for and visualize the birth you want.
For many women, birth is just a means to an end; something to be endured or survived on the way to becoming a mother. Often, a woman who is dissatisfied with her baby’s birth will be told “Well, at least you have a healthy baby,” completely discounting what may have been a very traumatic experience. When I was training to be a doula, I learned that a woman is more likely to remember specific details about each of her births than she is about her own wedding day. Birth experiences can and will shape a woman’s confidence in herself, her body, and her ability as a mother, and should be planned for like any other life changing event would be.
I have heard from many women “I wanted to go natural, but it just didn’t work for me.” Or, “I have a low pain tolerance and could never handle a natural birth.” Sometimes, I have seen women put more energy and effort into planning their baby’s nursery color scheme than they do planning their birth. Just as you can’t run a marathon without training, and working for many months, having a satisfying natural birth takes education, preparation and effort.
I thought I was completely prepared for a natural birth with my second daughter. I had all the determination in the world to have an unmedicated birth. The wicked truth is, I had a labor that lasted less than an hour from active labor to my daughter being born on the side of the road on the way to the hospital. If we would have made it to the hospital, I would have begged for an epidural. I was blown away by the intensity of the contractions, and completely and woefully unprepared to cope with them.
There are so many good ways to prepare to have a good birth experience. No matter your style, you are sure to find books, childbirth prep classes and birth stories to help you prepare. You can read and research with statistics and analysis, you can study hypnosis for childbirth, you can paint, sculpt and create birth art, you can work with your partner or prepare on your own. But the important thing is, you have to prepare somehow. Fill yourself with positive images, stories and experiences. Surround yourself with people who can believe in you and support you as you prepare. Ask yourself lots of questions, and take lots of time to answer those questions. Accept that what you thought you wanted at the beginning of the pregnancy may change through the pregnancy. One of my favorite things to do when I was pregnant was to meditate about my upcoming birth; the more pondering I did about it, the more I realized which little details were most important to me.
Choice #3 Choose your support system.
Most women want support from someone during their labor and birthing time. Being surrounded by people who believe in you, believe in the process of birth, and who can support you physically and emotionally through the process can make all the difference in the world. As a doula, I’m obviously biased about the benefits of having a good support system in labor! Women in labor are extremely vulnerable to the power of suggestion, and I’ve seen women who were previously determined be undermined by a fearful comment from someone else in the room. Choose as many or as few people as you need to support you, and only invite those people to be present that can fully support you and your birth choices without their own fears, experiences or biases getting in the way. You may find that you need lots of people and lots of support. You might just as well find that you need to retreat into yourself and labor without interruption. (You may even find both of these scenarios to be true in the course of the same labor!) Remember that the labor and birth are about you and your developing baby. Do not invite someone just because you feel like you should, or that you are obligated to, or because it would be a good experience for them. To labor successfully, you have to be completely comfortable in your own skin and your surroundings, and I’ve seen more than one labor stall or completely shut down because of too many people, to much chit-chat, or a few unsupportive comments.
Choice #4 Prepare yourself emotionally.
The realities of caring for a tiny, screaming newborn often differ drastically from the rosey-hued, dreamy eyed, blissfully smiling baby food/diaper ads. Making decisions about how you are going to parent this new little person before they are born can lead to a calmer, more peaceful transition into motherhood.
I also think that pregnancy is a wonderful time to nurture yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Growing a little person inside of you can be an amazing physical drain. Allow yourself the time, rest, good nutrition and nurturing that you need to be happy and healthy. Take time to connect with your baby each day. I had some amazingly stressful times during my last pregnancy, and I was very concerned about how that stress was going to affect my growing baby. As cheesy as it sounds, during those most stressful days, I would take a little time to talk to my baby and let him know that he was loved.
One of my most treasured pregnancy experiences was when my midwife and doula decided to host a “Blessingway” for me, rather than a traditional baby shower. Many of my closest friends came, and instead of gifts for the baby, they each brought two beads, along with a memory of becoming a mother, and a wish for the birth. We had a wonderful, tearful, emotion-filled time sharing memories and wishes, and the necklace made out of those beads was a comfort and strength to me as I labored. We used henna to make a design on my belly, with each person adding their personalized touch. I left that day feeling strengthened by my dear friends, and drew on those sweet memories many times in the last long, difficult weeks of pregnancy. I firmly believe that every expectant mother deserves to be treated like a queen and should take the time to honor the changes that are taking place.
There are as many ways to approach pregnancy and birth as there are babies born every day. What is ideal for one woman may be another woman’s worst fear. In my opinion, the only way to be truly satisfied with your pregnancy and birth experience is to go in with your eyes wide open. Pregnancy and birth may be unpredictable, but if you take the time to educate yourself, design and plan for the birth that you want, you have a much greater chance of coming away from the birth feeling empowered and fulfilled.
Comments
Stacy, you talked a lot about women educating themselves. What are some good sources (books, etc.) that you would suggest?
Also, maybe you could comment a bit on what a doula does?