Isn't it interesting how sometimes you learn things in the most interesting ways? You seek out a learning opportunity intending for it to help you in one area, and then it actually benefits you in a completely different area?
This morning I went to a workshop sponsored by the local American Guild of Organists. The main session was on the topic of performance anxiety, something which is very applicable to musicians in general and to me in particular. I took a class on this topic in college, so it wasn't new to me, but I did gain some insights for myself as a musician and then, for myself as a parent.
My little Dallin is a perfectionist just like his mom. We are so much alike in many aspects of personality that it makes me know he was meant to be right here for James and I to raise. Me, because I understand him. James, because he balances him the same way he balances me. A friend on a message board mentioned that perfectionism frequently results from anxiety. That struck a chord with me, and I think probably accounts for a lot of who I am and why I do what I do. I think it may hold a lot of truth for Dallin too.
We've seen an increase in anxiety and stress for Dallin surrounding his performance in a variety of areas. He's always been competitive, and now he's showing that he's driven too. When he's "on", things are great. In fact, things are really, really intense! When he's "off", it's devastating for him. Losing a soccer game to dad sends him into an emotional tailspin, despite our repeated reminder that daddy is an adult and he is just a child. A mistake on homework or a concept at the piano that can't be learned instantly can create a meltdown so intense that he has to take a break from the activity. He is a persistent, and the hardest worker that you will ever see. Both fantastic qualities that will serve him well if we can channel them in the right direction. But sometimes I get concerned about his reasons for being such a hard worker. I want him to understand that he can relax a bit.
When I discussed this with other mothers, several people said that it was probably just a phase. I think to an extent that might be true. I can see him entering a different psychological stage where now "performance" and "doing things well" means something to him, whereas, a year and a half ago, it didn't. But I think it is a phase combined with a very intense temperament. I suspect this will be an ongoing issue for him.
I loved some of the suggestions I got for helping him, and I won't go into details about those here...but after listening to the performance psychologist this morning, I realizesd how important it is to help him learn to get to a state of relaxation whenever he's trying to do a task.
The psychologist, who works mainly in the field of sports and has worked with the Utah Jazz (I thought Dallin would be very impressed by that!) talked about all the negative self-talk we give ourselves and how much it impacts the way we feel about ourselves, and thus, the way we perform. I then realized that one thing we have been doing with Dallin might actually be hurting him instead of helping him.
We have realized this past year that Dallin has a great deal of natural talent for sports. He started playing soccer this fall and was easily the star player on his team. We wanted him to learn to be a team player and to recognize the gifts and contributions of the other kids, even if they appeared to be less stellar, so we've worked a lot on downplaying his performance, on "humbling" him or "taking him down a notch". I realized this morning how wrong an approach that is! While not saying anything to him that was directly negative, we tended to minimize his successes in an effort to help him see the successes of others. "Well, scoring five goals isn't everything." Yet after today's discussion about self-talk and how it enhances or discourages our performances, I realized that this is a huge mistake. Every kid is going to be humbled, by their own perceptions or by other people around them. Parents don't need to do this for them! We need to be their greatest cheerleaders! We need to be the ones telling them, "You were GREAT!!!" We don't need to purposely put him in situations to teach him that he isn't the greatest thing around. This will happen to him as he goes to school, as he plays sports and sees the talents of others, as he tries out different activities and tries to develop his talents. We instead need to preserve his attitude of believing that he is wonderful and talented and that he can do anything in this world that he wants to do.
It was such a wonderful lesson in the power of building someone up. I am eager to be his greatest champion. Now I need to do the same for myself too.
I feel like I am learning so much as a parent. Sometimes it is overwhelming and discouraging to see how far I am from where I want to be, but sometimes it is also amazing to see the lessons, growth, and understanding that come, especially the insights about my children and who they are.
A few more tidbits from the class:
Three Killers to Motivation
perfectionism
comparison to other people
expectation
When we think negative thoughts, all our energy goes to the middle of our body.
When we think positive thoughts, our energy goes throughout our entire body.
(He showed an experiment where he could move our arms, even though we were supposed to be keeping them stiff, just by asking us to think a sad or depressing thought. When we thought positive thoughts, we retained the strength in our arms and the other person could not make them move.)
As anxiety goes up, concentration goes down.
As arousal (simply, a feeling of excitement and energy) goes up, concentration narrows.
I think anxiety and arousal are kind of closely related. When I'm feeling energized about a performance, whether it's playing in a recital or teaching a lesson in Relief Society, the physical sensation feels a little bit the same as anxiety--but instead of being scary, it's exciting.
And now, I'd better go attend to my 2-year-old who has no performance anxiety whatsoever about the life she creates for herself. How I wish I could capture that and make it last forever!
This morning I went to a workshop sponsored by the local American Guild of Organists. The main session was on the topic of performance anxiety, something which is very applicable to musicians in general and to me in particular. I took a class on this topic in college, so it wasn't new to me, but I did gain some insights for myself as a musician and then, for myself as a parent.
My little Dallin is a perfectionist just like his mom. We are so much alike in many aspects of personality that it makes me know he was meant to be right here for James and I to raise. Me, because I understand him. James, because he balances him the same way he balances me. A friend on a message board mentioned that perfectionism frequently results from anxiety. That struck a chord with me, and I think probably accounts for a lot of who I am and why I do what I do. I think it may hold a lot of truth for Dallin too.
We've seen an increase in anxiety and stress for Dallin surrounding his performance in a variety of areas. He's always been competitive, and now he's showing that he's driven too. When he's "on", things are great. In fact, things are really, really intense! When he's "off", it's devastating for him. Losing a soccer game to dad sends him into an emotional tailspin, despite our repeated reminder that daddy is an adult and he is just a child. A mistake on homework or a concept at the piano that can't be learned instantly can create a meltdown so intense that he has to take a break from the activity. He is a persistent, and the hardest worker that you will ever see. Both fantastic qualities that will serve him well if we can channel them in the right direction. But sometimes I get concerned about his reasons for being such a hard worker. I want him to understand that he can relax a bit.
When I discussed this with other mothers, several people said that it was probably just a phase. I think to an extent that might be true. I can see him entering a different psychological stage where now "performance" and "doing things well" means something to him, whereas, a year and a half ago, it didn't. But I think it is a phase combined with a very intense temperament. I suspect this will be an ongoing issue for him.
I loved some of the suggestions I got for helping him, and I won't go into details about those here...but after listening to the performance psychologist this morning, I realizesd how important it is to help him learn to get to a state of relaxation whenever he's trying to do a task.
The psychologist, who works mainly in the field of sports and has worked with the Utah Jazz (I thought Dallin would be very impressed by that!) talked about all the negative self-talk we give ourselves and how much it impacts the way we feel about ourselves, and thus, the way we perform. I then realized that one thing we have been doing with Dallin might actually be hurting him instead of helping him.
We have realized this past year that Dallin has a great deal of natural talent for sports. He started playing soccer this fall and was easily the star player on his team. We wanted him to learn to be a team player and to recognize the gifts and contributions of the other kids, even if they appeared to be less stellar, so we've worked a lot on downplaying his performance, on "humbling" him or "taking him down a notch". I realized this morning how wrong an approach that is! While not saying anything to him that was directly negative, we tended to minimize his successes in an effort to help him see the successes of others. "Well, scoring five goals isn't everything." Yet after today's discussion about self-talk and how it enhances or discourages our performances, I realized that this is a huge mistake. Every kid is going to be humbled, by their own perceptions or by other people around them. Parents don't need to do this for them! We need to be their greatest cheerleaders! We need to be the ones telling them, "You were GREAT!!!" We don't need to purposely put him in situations to teach him that he isn't the greatest thing around. This will happen to him as he goes to school, as he plays sports and sees the talents of others, as he tries out different activities and tries to develop his talents. We instead need to preserve his attitude of believing that he is wonderful and talented and that he can do anything in this world that he wants to do.
It was such a wonderful lesson in the power of building someone up. I am eager to be his greatest champion. Now I need to do the same for myself too.
I feel like I am learning so much as a parent. Sometimes it is overwhelming and discouraging to see how far I am from where I want to be, but sometimes it is also amazing to see the lessons, growth, and understanding that come, especially the insights about my children and who they are.
A few more tidbits from the class:
Three Killers to Motivation
perfectionism
comparison to other people
expectation
When we think negative thoughts, all our energy goes to the middle of our body.
When we think positive thoughts, our energy goes throughout our entire body.
(He showed an experiment where he could move our arms, even though we were supposed to be keeping them stiff, just by asking us to think a sad or depressing thought. When we thought positive thoughts, we retained the strength in our arms and the other person could not make them move.)
As anxiety goes up, concentration goes down.
As arousal (simply, a feeling of excitement and energy) goes up, concentration narrows.
I think anxiety and arousal are kind of closely related. When I'm feeling energized about a performance, whether it's playing in a recital or teaching a lesson in Relief Society, the physical sensation feels a little bit the same as anxiety--but instead of being scary, it's exciting.
And now, I'd better go attend to my 2-year-old who has no performance anxiety whatsoever about the life she creates for herself. How I wish I could capture that and make it last forever!
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