When I posted my New Year's goals, I mentioned that I want to improve my skills in disciplining my children. I want to be kinder and gentler, and yet more effective. I mentioned that I've started reading the book Adventures in Gentle Discipline by Hilary Flower, published by La Leche League. What I've decided to do is focus on this book one chapter at a time, spending a week or a month or however long I deem necessary trying to put the concepts of each chapter to work in our family. Gentle discipline is no small task because it's more than a method or a bag of tricks, it's really a way of life. It is something in which I wholeheartedly believe, but I find myself struggling to actually live. The "natural woman" is so strong and so ingrained within myself, and I fall short multiple times every day.
Anyway, I thought I might explain what gentle discipline is. For a great, detailed description, see this link at the Attachment Parenting International website: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/disc.php . I can't quote too much of it because it's copyrighted.
But, as for what gentle discipline is to me: It means teaching, nurturing, and guiding my children while retaining a sense of respect for them. It means helping them learn to make good choices without the use of violence or shaming. It is NOT passive parenting. It does not mean ignoring or excusing misbehavior. In fact, if done right, gentle discipline requires far more effort and intervention than do traditional methods of discipline.
The book gave one great example of a child throwing a ball in the house in a room full of crowded people. A passive parent would ignore it, probably complain about how "wild" their child was, and perhaps give a few half-hearted please for the child to "please calm down". A traditional parent might yell from across the room, "If you throw that ball one more time, it's getting put away for good!" A parent practicing gentle discipline would get off the couch, go over to the child, get down on his level, and say something like, "I know that you're having fun with the ball. It isn't working to throw it in here. Someone might get hit, or something might break. How about taking it outside? Or perhaps you would like to come and talk with me and so-and-so and tell us about your last soccer game?"
Now, which parent is me? Oh, how I wish it were the last one! But in reality, it's probably the second one. Couch-parenting, that's me. That's my struggle with gentle discipline: it's work! I truly believe that virtually any situation can be better resolved with patient coaching like this rather than yelling, threatening, grounding, or spanking. But actually doing it is a whole 'nother matter.
I wasn't always sure about gentle discipline. As a mother of a baby, I just knew it was right. But when that baby turned into an extremely intense, spirited, feisty toddler and preschooler, I started to doubt. I also found out that even when I believed, I was so imperfect. I never knew what a temper I had until I became a mother! Through both choice (wanting/needing to explore all my options) and by default, I became more of a traditional parent. And as I have done so, I have come full circle in my beliefs. Gentle discipline is better! It really is!
And so here I am, constantly trying to get up and go again. Gentle discipline is mostly discipline for the mother! At least I am comfortable with the idea that life is a process and that the journey is just as important as the destination.
Next installment: Chapter Two, Your Child's Well-Being
Anyway, I thought I might explain what gentle discipline is. For a great, detailed description, see this link at the Attachment Parenting International website: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/disc.php . I can't quote too much of it because it's copyrighted.
But, as for what gentle discipline is to me: It means teaching, nurturing, and guiding my children while retaining a sense of respect for them. It means helping them learn to make good choices without the use of violence or shaming. It is NOT passive parenting. It does not mean ignoring or excusing misbehavior. In fact, if done right, gentle discipline requires far more effort and intervention than do traditional methods of discipline.
The book gave one great example of a child throwing a ball in the house in a room full of crowded people. A passive parent would ignore it, probably complain about how "wild" their child was, and perhaps give a few half-hearted please for the child to "please calm down". A traditional parent might yell from across the room, "If you throw that ball one more time, it's getting put away for good!" A parent practicing gentle discipline would get off the couch, go over to the child, get down on his level, and say something like, "I know that you're having fun with the ball. It isn't working to throw it in here. Someone might get hit, or something might break. How about taking it outside? Or perhaps you would like to come and talk with me and so-and-so and tell us about your last soccer game?"
Now, which parent is me? Oh, how I wish it were the last one! But in reality, it's probably the second one. Couch-parenting, that's me. That's my struggle with gentle discipline: it's work! I truly believe that virtually any situation can be better resolved with patient coaching like this rather than yelling, threatening, grounding, or spanking. But actually doing it is a whole 'nother matter.
I wasn't always sure about gentle discipline. As a mother of a baby, I just knew it was right. But when that baby turned into an extremely intense, spirited, feisty toddler and preschooler, I started to doubt. I also found out that even when I believed, I was so imperfect. I never knew what a temper I had until I became a mother! Through both choice (wanting/needing to explore all my options) and by default, I became more of a traditional parent. And as I have done so, I have come full circle in my beliefs. Gentle discipline is better! It really is!
And so here I am, constantly trying to get up and go again. Gentle discipline is mostly discipline for the mother! At least I am comfortable with the idea that life is a process and that the journey is just as important as the destination.
Next installment: Chapter Two, Your Child's Well-Being
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