So I've done OK this past few weeks with the gentle discipline goals I set forth for myself. Some things have gone really well, other things haven't changed much. My successes have come with being more aware of how hunger and tiredness affect the kids' moods and with giving more attention/keeping them occupied and busy when I can tell things are about to get out of hand. Dallin was totally out of control the other night, crazy hyper and making me insane. After several attempts to get him to calm down on his own, I finally pulled out his reading books and his spelling words, sat him down on the couch, and we went to work together. I've also remembered to pull out playdough or some fun sensory project for Sariah when she won't leave Dallin alone.
What's not going better is the whole TV thing. I long for the days of my own childhood, when our home was TV-free. I think it's just one of those all-or-nothing things. When you have a TV it is just about impossible to give into the temptation to use it!
The next chapter of the book Adventures in Gentle Discipline talks about Tailor-Made Discipline. It's about catering your discipline to the developmental and tempermental needs of your child. We have to give our children space to be childish and make mistakes, we have to work with their personalities and learning styles, and we have to make our expectations appropriate.
I love this section: Children are supposed to be childish
The author notes that when we talk about "childish" behavior, it is usually with disapproval in our voices--even when we're talking about children. She says, "It is time to reclaim childishness for children, and reserve adult-like expectations for adults"
Children tend to:
Have more impulses than control. They do tempting things even when they know better.
Be self-centered. They are ego-centric and naturally have a hard time thinking about the needs of others.
Need a lot of autonomy. They are learning what it means to be a "self".
Be dependent. They still need lots of interaction, help, and empathy from us.
Be exuberant. That one is self-explanatory!
Crave exploration. They need to learn about the world using every one of their senses.
How often do we get MAD at them when they are doing the above things and acting exactly as children are supposed to act? Of course, we need to teach them better ways to do things in some situations....but we still have to have appropriate expectations. The author suggests that instead of saying "I can't believe he did that!", we could say, "Ah, so he's still working on learning that."
In talking about children's temperaments, I've learned alot through the work of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, with books like "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles". She outlines the 7-8 different aspects of temperament, things like persistence, adaptabilitly, etc. in very clear ways. It is very helpful to analyze and identify what are the challenges of our child's temperament--and then also to see the positive aspects of these same traits. Dallin is extremely persistent. If he wants something, he will NOT let it go, and it can make Mom and Dad completely crazy! But this same quality is what makes him such a hard worker in school.
Also, figure out how your child's temperament compares to your own. Sometimes you butt heads because you are so different; other times it is because you are so much alike in certain areas.
The last section of the chapter is about child development and knowing what is normal for any given age. "Messages from mainstream society often imply that children should be much 'better behaved' or more 'obedient' than is realistic for their developmental level. Be on the lookout for this wishful thinking in your own parenting responses, and you will save yourself many power struggles and disappointments." "If it's normal then it's not anyone's fault."
Once I had a friend who was so frustrated that her daughter was experiencing separation anxiety as an older infant. I pointed out to her that this was normal developmental behavior. Her response was, "Yeah, I know...but I thought if I just did everything right, it wouldn't affect her." I, on the other hand, have been glad when my kids hit this stage, because it means they are securely attached! I would be worried about a child who skipped this stage. It was all in our perceptions!
I remember an acquaintance in Idaho who brought her 1-year-old for a meeting at my house. I had left my sewing machine on the floor (this was pre-kid days), and as the little toddler headed for it, I reached to pick it up and put it in the other room. The mom immediately intervened, "No, leave it! She has to learn not to touch things." She spent the rest of the evening continually scolding the little girl for touching the sewing machine, as well as other objects. It was obviously a very frustrating experience for both her and her daughter, and the little girl wasn't getting it at all. I couldn't help but think that the problem would have been so easily solved by just letting me put the things away. Why create power struggles that don't even have to exist?
Anyway, I think I do fairly well in these above areas, but there is always room for improvement. For the next few weeks, my goal is to look at my children's behavior with new eyes and to be a little more patient with their mistakes. I like to remember another one of those guiding questions when situations arise: "Do I want to punish, or do I want to teach?"
What's not going better is the whole TV thing. I long for the days of my own childhood, when our home was TV-free. I think it's just one of those all-or-nothing things. When you have a TV it is just about impossible to give into the temptation to use it!
The next chapter of the book Adventures in Gentle Discipline talks about Tailor-Made Discipline. It's about catering your discipline to the developmental and tempermental needs of your child. We have to give our children space to be childish and make mistakes, we have to work with their personalities and learning styles, and we have to make our expectations appropriate.
I love this section: Children are supposed to be childish
The author notes that when we talk about "childish" behavior, it is usually with disapproval in our voices--even when we're talking about children. She says, "It is time to reclaim childishness for children, and reserve adult-like expectations for adults"
Children tend to:
Have more impulses than control. They do tempting things even when they know better.
Be self-centered. They are ego-centric and naturally have a hard time thinking about the needs of others.
Need a lot of autonomy. They are learning what it means to be a "self".
Be dependent. They still need lots of interaction, help, and empathy from us.
Be exuberant. That one is self-explanatory!
Crave exploration. They need to learn about the world using every one of their senses.
How often do we get MAD at them when they are doing the above things and acting exactly as children are supposed to act? Of course, we need to teach them better ways to do things in some situations....but we still have to have appropriate expectations. The author suggests that instead of saying "I can't believe he did that!", we could say, "Ah, so he's still working on learning that."
In talking about children's temperaments, I've learned alot through the work of Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, with books like "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles". She outlines the 7-8 different aspects of temperament, things like persistence, adaptabilitly, etc. in very clear ways. It is very helpful to analyze and identify what are the challenges of our child's temperament--and then also to see the positive aspects of these same traits. Dallin is extremely persistent. If he wants something, he will NOT let it go, and it can make Mom and Dad completely crazy! But this same quality is what makes him such a hard worker in school.
Also, figure out how your child's temperament compares to your own. Sometimes you butt heads because you are so different; other times it is because you are so much alike in certain areas.
The last section of the chapter is about child development and knowing what is normal for any given age. "Messages from mainstream society often imply that children should be much 'better behaved' or more 'obedient' than is realistic for their developmental level. Be on the lookout for this wishful thinking in your own parenting responses, and you will save yourself many power struggles and disappointments." "If it's normal then it's not anyone's fault."
Once I had a friend who was so frustrated that her daughter was experiencing separation anxiety as an older infant. I pointed out to her that this was normal developmental behavior. Her response was, "Yeah, I know...but I thought if I just did everything right, it wouldn't affect her." I, on the other hand, have been glad when my kids hit this stage, because it means they are securely attached! I would be worried about a child who skipped this stage. It was all in our perceptions!
I remember an acquaintance in Idaho who brought her 1-year-old for a meeting at my house. I had left my sewing machine on the floor (this was pre-kid days), and as the little toddler headed for it, I reached to pick it up and put it in the other room. The mom immediately intervened, "No, leave it! She has to learn not to touch things." She spent the rest of the evening continually scolding the little girl for touching the sewing machine, as well as other objects. It was obviously a very frustrating experience for both her and her daughter, and the little girl wasn't getting it at all. I couldn't help but think that the problem would have been so easily solved by just letting me put the things away. Why create power struggles that don't even have to exist?
Anyway, I think I do fairly well in these above areas, but there is always room for improvement. For the next few weeks, my goal is to look at my children's behavior with new eyes and to be a little more patient with their mistakes. I like to remember another one of those guiding questions when situations arise: "Do I want to punish, or do I want to teach?"
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