Remember that song from The Sound of Music? "What are we going to do about Maria?". In our house right now, we are singing "What are we going to do about Sariah?"
What are we going to do about Sariah's little biting habit? She now has a fourth victim in the nursery at church! We are very frustrated. Apparently moving her to the senior nursery was not a cure-all after all.
One challenge is that our efforts at gentle discipline are really different than what many people advocate. I had an interesting conversation with the nursery leader that left me quite disturbed. We were talking together, discussing what had happened and what to do about it. The nursery leader said, "I was very firm with her. I told her very plainly that We Don't Bite. She knew I was mad." (OK, I was fine with this. She needs to know it's not acceptable.) But then the nursery leader continued, "....but I didn't spank her." What????? This comment told me that while the nursery leader didn't spank her, she thought about it. I was so stunned that I didn't even say anything. The nursery leader considered, at least for a brief moment, spanking my child! Oh, I would have been LIVID! Now I feel like I need to go back and talk to her about it, to let her know where I stand on this. NO ONE spanks my child. Ever! But how on earth would I bring this up? I can't imagine spanking someone else's child, even if I believed in spanking, which I don't.
We did decide together that if Sariah bites, the nursery leaders will bring her to us immediately, and she will not go back to nursery that day. But we've done that before, and it hasn't deterred future incidents, at leastnot so far.
I got online last night and googled "toddler biting". I looked at about 5 or 6 different sites, and the advice was pretty much the same. It talked about the reasons toddlers bite. I think with Sariah in the past, it has been either frustration or mis-directed affection. Now I think it's becoming more and more about attention . The past two times she's done it, she's gone around telling everybody in the ward how she bit a little child. Everybody's made a big deal out of it. We have made a big deal out of it. The last time she bit, she was genuinely sorry. But this time I could tell she wasn't sorry at all. I think she was quite intrigued by the reaction she got from both the child and all the adults around.
So we not only have to find a consequence and a way to handle it, but we have to be careful not to give it too much attention as we do so.
The solutions offered by the various websites included speaking firmly, telling the child, "Biting hurts! We don't bite!", (but not overdoing this), showering attention on the hurt child, and putting the biter in a very short time-out or taking away a toy. I'm not normally an advocate of time-out, but I think in this situation it might be the best thing. We've been removing her from nursery, but although she loves nursery, she also loves getting to spend time with mom or dad, so I'm not sure it's enough of a consequence. She may need to do something unpleasant like sitting in a chair for a minute or two.
I was pleased to see that every single website I looked at (and these were mainstream websites, not "gentle discipline" websites), stated clearly that biting the child back is not an appropriate option. I have felt this way all along. I do think that it would cure the problem quickly. However, I do not think that the end justifies the means. I think it sends the wrong message--it tells the child that it's not OK for them to hurt someone, but it's OK for mom or dad to hurt them, that "might makes right". This is the same reason that I would be furious if anyone spanked her.
So here we are. So far no parent has been furious about it; they've all been very understanding. But I don't know how long that will last.
What are we going to do about Sariah's little biting habit? She now has a fourth victim in the nursery at church! We are very frustrated. Apparently moving her to the senior nursery was not a cure-all after all.
One challenge is that our efforts at gentle discipline are really different than what many people advocate. I had an interesting conversation with the nursery leader that left me quite disturbed. We were talking together, discussing what had happened and what to do about it. The nursery leader said, "I was very firm with her. I told her very plainly that We Don't Bite. She knew I was mad." (OK, I was fine with this. She needs to know it's not acceptable.) But then the nursery leader continued, "....but I didn't spank her." What????? This comment told me that while the nursery leader didn't spank her, she thought about it. I was so stunned that I didn't even say anything. The nursery leader considered, at least for a brief moment, spanking my child! Oh, I would have been LIVID! Now I feel like I need to go back and talk to her about it, to let her know where I stand on this. NO ONE spanks my child. Ever! But how on earth would I bring this up? I can't imagine spanking someone else's child, even if I believed in spanking, which I don't.
We did decide together that if Sariah bites, the nursery leaders will bring her to us immediately, and she will not go back to nursery that day. But we've done that before, and it hasn't deterred future incidents, at leastnot so far.
I got online last night and googled "toddler biting". I looked at about 5 or 6 different sites, and the advice was pretty much the same. It talked about the reasons toddlers bite. I think with Sariah in the past, it has been either frustration or mis-directed affection. Now I think it's becoming more and more about attention . The past two times she's done it, she's gone around telling everybody in the ward how she bit a little child. Everybody's made a big deal out of it. We have made a big deal out of it. The last time she bit, she was genuinely sorry. But this time I could tell she wasn't sorry at all. I think she was quite intrigued by the reaction she got from both the child and all the adults around.
So we not only have to find a consequence and a way to handle it, but we have to be careful not to give it too much attention as we do so.
The solutions offered by the various websites included speaking firmly, telling the child, "Biting hurts! We don't bite!", (but not overdoing this), showering attention on the hurt child, and putting the biter in a very short time-out or taking away a toy. I'm not normally an advocate of time-out, but I think in this situation it might be the best thing. We've been removing her from nursery, but although she loves nursery, she also loves getting to spend time with mom or dad, so I'm not sure it's enough of a consequence. She may need to do something unpleasant like sitting in a chair for a minute or two.
I was pleased to see that every single website I looked at (and these were mainstream websites, not "gentle discipline" websites), stated clearly that biting the child back is not an appropriate option. I have felt this way all along. I do think that it would cure the problem quickly. However, I do not think that the end justifies the means. I think it sends the wrong message--it tells the child that it's not OK for them to hurt someone, but it's OK for mom or dad to hurt them, that "might makes right". This is the same reason that I would be furious if anyone spanked her.
So here we are. So far no parent has been furious about it; they've all been very understanding. But I don't know how long that will last.
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