Even for relatively small things!
I'm sure you all know that for the past 4 months or so, I've literally been "stuck" in this whole adoption paperwork process. At first I was so busy getting ready for the BYU organ workshop that I didn't have time to think about anything else. But since that ended over two months ago, I still haven't done squat with adoption. I just haven't felt motivated to do it, and I've been trying to figure out why. Is it that we are on the wrong path and need to look at other options? Is it that we just have too much else on our plates right now? Am I nervous about adding a third child to the mix? (Am I wondering how on earth I can handle a night-waking newborn when I still have a night-waking 2-year-old???) Do I have deeper "issues" that I need to resolve before we take on this process again? Or am I just lazy?
Believe me, I've been trying to figure this all out. I want more children, and I know there are more that need to come. And at age 38, I really don't want to stretch this out too many more years, you know?
I've come to realize that yes, we are busy, and it's hard to find time to do all this paperwork. Yes, I am nervous about having an other child, mainly because of the lack-of-sleep factor! Yes, we have a lot of potential changes coming up for our family this year, and it's daunting to keep track of all the possibilities and the ramifications of those possibilities. Yes, I have "issues" where I need to apply some inner work. And yes, I've been feeling very, very lazy. But after 13 years of working to get children here, I'm tired of putting out the effort. I would like just one to come the easy way, without me having to do anything to make it happen. I would like to be surprised...just once! So yeah, I've been feeling a tad resentful about having to go through this all again.
But the Lord has been preparing me lately. A few weeks ago I taught a Relief Society lesson based on Elder Bednar's talk from April conference about Asking in Faith, focused on meaningful prayer. Through that lesson, I've come to know that if I want the blessings, and I intend to ask God, I have to get up and go to work. It's not going to be handed to me, however badly I wish for that.
And then from the general Relief Society meeting, I got the message from President Uchtdorf that we must be engaged in the work of creating. It hit me strongly that as adoptive parents, we are creating our families as we go through this process, just as strongly as mother who give birth are creating babies. We are creating a space for a child who needs one. We are taking our family as it currently exists and molding it into something changed, something new. That is creation! All things must be created spiritually before they can be created temporally, and we are certainly engaged in creation of the most spiritual sort!
And General Conference impressed on me the importance of having hope and and moving forward with faith in our lives.
Yet still, I hesitated, wondering just how to begin.
Something happened last week that set me on a more determined journey to work out those deep issues in my life that were keeping me from progressing with this adoption. I started my own journaling blog so I could get out all my thoughts and work through them in private. And it's amazing how well it's working! How as I vented and poured out my soul to nobody but myself, some of the issues and answers became more clear. I am now dealing with them--some of them have been burdening me for months, and now I have not only identified them, but have been able to think of ways to change them.
I realized how much I've been struggling with the ways in which society invalidates adoptive mothers and our experiences. Maybe I'll someday post my thoughts on this particular issue. Suffice it to say that we often face a daunting task just being in this society that both subtly and directly chips away at our motherhood either by undermining us, criticizing us, or simply not acknowledging our experiences.
I also was able to identify some specific things relating to our first two adoptions--not the adoptions themselves, but aspects of the process--that I've had a hard time working through. This has helped me recognize some ways that I can take a little bit more control the next time around to create an experience closer to what I would desire. Maybe someday I will post my thoughts on that here as well.
Anyway, throughout this past week, I've felt that I was on the verge of change and that I was getting closer to being ready to give this paperwork another go.
So Sunday, I decided to fast--for wisdom to know what to do, and for the strength, persistence, and motivation to do it. It was my first heartfelt fast in quite a long time.
And then yesterday, completely out of the blue as I was doing housework and contemplating which major project I should take on next in my life, I had this sudden, overwhelming urge to get on the computer and finish our adoption paperwork!
This feeling literally came out of nowhere. I could hardly wait until Sariah went to sleep so that I could get online and do it. And when I did, I found out that we were much closer to being done than I had remembered. After the kids went to bed last night, James and I worked again, and he got most of his personal forms finished as well.
It was later in the day that I realized that to finally, after months of not wanting to do anything, have the desire to fill out adoption papers was a direct answer to my fasting and prayers this past Sunday!
We're back in the game!
P.S. If you're wondering why this is mostly "I" and not "we", well, as most adoptive moms know, it's usually the women that get the work done with adoption (just like it is with pregnancy). It seems that men focus on their role as providers, and women carry the larger responsibility for getting children here. I've always been the one to do most of the legwork during the paperwork process,and it's the same in most families I know of. James kicks it into high gear when we're close to being matched or we've been chosen.
I'm sure you all know that for the past 4 months or so, I've literally been "stuck" in this whole adoption paperwork process. At first I was so busy getting ready for the BYU organ workshop that I didn't have time to think about anything else. But since that ended over two months ago, I still haven't done squat with adoption. I just haven't felt motivated to do it, and I've been trying to figure out why. Is it that we are on the wrong path and need to look at other options? Is it that we just have too much else on our plates right now? Am I nervous about adding a third child to the mix? (Am I wondering how on earth I can handle a night-waking newborn when I still have a night-waking 2-year-old???) Do I have deeper "issues" that I need to resolve before we take on this process again? Or am I just lazy?
Believe me, I've been trying to figure this all out. I want more children, and I know there are more that need to come. And at age 38, I really don't want to stretch this out too many more years, you know?
I've come to realize that yes, we are busy, and it's hard to find time to do all this paperwork. Yes, I am nervous about having an other child, mainly because of the lack-of-sleep factor! Yes, we have a lot of potential changes coming up for our family this year, and it's daunting to keep track of all the possibilities and the ramifications of those possibilities. Yes, I have "issues" where I need to apply some inner work. And yes, I've been feeling very, very lazy. But after 13 years of working to get children here, I'm tired of putting out the effort. I would like just one to come the easy way, without me having to do anything to make it happen. I would like to be surprised...just once! So yeah, I've been feeling a tad resentful about having to go through this all again.
But the Lord has been preparing me lately. A few weeks ago I taught a Relief Society lesson based on Elder Bednar's talk from April conference about Asking in Faith, focused on meaningful prayer. Through that lesson, I've come to know that if I want the blessings, and I intend to ask God, I have to get up and go to work. It's not going to be handed to me, however badly I wish for that.
And then from the general Relief Society meeting, I got the message from President Uchtdorf that we must be engaged in the work of creating. It hit me strongly that as adoptive parents, we are creating our families as we go through this process, just as strongly as mother who give birth are creating babies. We are creating a space for a child who needs one. We are taking our family as it currently exists and molding it into something changed, something new. That is creation! All things must be created spiritually before they can be created temporally, and we are certainly engaged in creation of the most spiritual sort!
And General Conference impressed on me the importance of having hope and and moving forward with faith in our lives.
Yet still, I hesitated, wondering just how to begin.
Something happened last week that set me on a more determined journey to work out those deep issues in my life that were keeping me from progressing with this adoption. I started my own journaling blog so I could get out all my thoughts and work through them in private. And it's amazing how well it's working! How as I vented and poured out my soul to nobody but myself, some of the issues and answers became more clear. I am now dealing with them--some of them have been burdening me for months, and now I have not only identified them, but have been able to think of ways to change them.
I realized how much I've been struggling with the ways in which society invalidates adoptive mothers and our experiences. Maybe I'll someday post my thoughts on this particular issue. Suffice it to say that we often face a daunting task just being in this society that both subtly and directly chips away at our motherhood either by undermining us, criticizing us, or simply not acknowledging our experiences.
I also was able to identify some specific things relating to our first two adoptions--not the adoptions themselves, but aspects of the process--that I've had a hard time working through. This has helped me recognize some ways that I can take a little bit more control the next time around to create an experience closer to what I would desire. Maybe someday I will post my thoughts on that here as well.
Anyway, throughout this past week, I've felt that I was on the verge of change and that I was getting closer to being ready to give this paperwork another go.
So Sunday, I decided to fast--for wisdom to know what to do, and for the strength, persistence, and motivation to do it. It was my first heartfelt fast in quite a long time.
And then yesterday, completely out of the blue as I was doing housework and contemplating which major project I should take on next in my life, I had this sudden, overwhelming urge to get on the computer and finish our adoption paperwork!
This feeling literally came out of nowhere. I could hardly wait until Sariah went to sleep so that I could get online and do it. And when I did, I found out that we were much closer to being done than I had remembered. After the kids went to bed last night, James and I worked again, and he got most of his personal forms finished as well.
It was later in the day that I realized that to finally, after months of not wanting to do anything, have the desire to fill out adoption papers was a direct answer to my fasting and prayers this past Sunday!
We're back in the game!
P.S. If you're wondering why this is mostly "I" and not "we", well, as most adoptive moms know, it's usually the women that get the work done with adoption (just like it is with pregnancy). It seems that men focus on their role as providers, and women carry the larger responsibility for getting children here. I've always been the one to do most of the legwork during the paperwork process,and it's the same in most families I know of. James kicks it into high gear when we're close to being matched or we've been chosen.
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