We've had a bit of a stressful weekend, and I've gotten to practice my parenting quite a bit! (That's a good way to look at things--practicing my parenting. Heaven knows I need lots of practice!)
Last night was the hospital's summer party for employees and families at the local pool. These employee parties are always lots of stress for our family. James is ALWAYS on the committee, so we don't see much of him during the festivities. And thus I always get to try to manage two children at some venue like a swimming pool or bowling alley.
I actually handled the swimming really well. Dallin is finally feeling confident enough in the water that he doesn't have to have a parent to hold onto the entire time. He was able to swim out while I worked with RiRi.
For the second year in a row, they held a coin contest in the water. They throw tons of loose coins into the water, and the kids get to go in and search for them. In addition to getting to keep whatever they find, whichever kid finds the large silver dollar gets to trade it in for a gift certificate. The contest was divided into four age groups, Dallin being with the 6-10-year olds. He was so excited to get some money! Unfortunately, the person who was scattering the coins buried them in a deeper section of the pool than they should have been for that age group. Since Dallin is afraid to put his face in the water, he was unable to get even a single coin.
He was SO disappointed. He cried and cried and wouldn't stop. He was mad. He hated this party and wanted to go home RIGHT NOW. He thought he was stupid because he couldn't get the money and because of his fear of the water. I tried to comfort him, but he wasn't having any of it. I found myself wanting to play down his feelings, telling him that other kids didn't get any money either, and that he needed to be grateful to the lady that gave him some money because she felt sorry for him. (I found out later that Daddy gave the money to the lady and told her to give it to Dallin.) Luckily, I quickly remembered that this was one of those times I just needed to listen. Not to give advice or make comments, but to just listen to all the emotions. So I did. And did. And did. Because he wasn't stopping. I validated and reflected back his feelings. But it didn't seem to dissipate things very much. He had a lot to get out of his system.
I started to get tired of it. I think we parents sometimes have a misconception that when we're helping our kids to deal with their emotions, the point is to get rid of the emotions. When my "help" didn't seem to be helping, I started getting frustrated. I wanted him to get over it now. But I plugged on, trying to listen. I realized that for Dallin, it wasn't ultimately about the money (though money is very important to this child). It was about him feeling "less good" than the other kids who were successful. It was about his own insecurities with not being able to dive right in like everyone else. He really did feel "stupid". I've noticed that he is quite a perfectionist. He's very competitive and feels deeply when he perceives himself to be "losing".
Anyway, all ended well when another activity started and Dallin got distracted with more fun. Later that night as I lay down with him at bedtime, we were able to talk about the coin incident in a more philosophical way, with less angst. My thought about this experience is that I need to focus more on listening for the sake of listening, not listening for the purpose of making it all better or getting rid of the problems. I did the right thing. My purpose should have been helping him feel loved and supported as much as getting him to stop so the party could go on.
I had a situation with Dallin this morning. I don't even remember what exactly happened. We were getting ready for church, running late, all tired after being up too late last night and oversleeping. I was doing my darndest to be patient and loving and to apply all these great parenting ideas. I did really well for a long time, and then I just lost it and started yelling. I don't even remember what he was doing or why I was mad, but I do remember the realization I had: I get mad and resort to coercion when I don't know what to do. I had used up all the ideas in my mind, everything that I could think of to deal with the situation. And then I ran out of ideas, panicked, and lashed out. I knew that yelling wasn't going to help and would only escalate things, but I couldn't think of anything else.
At least I apologized later. :)
Last of all, Sacrament Meeting. Not one of our better days. But I made it through without losing it completely. Sariah wouldn't go to sleep and wouldn't sit with the bishop's wife like she usually does. We accidentally sat in front of one of Dallin's good friends. (Big mistake!) Dallin and Sariah were extremely antsy and restless, and I was tired and frazzled. But I tried to keep from being angry. This time I drew on one of the ideas in The Soft-Spoken Parent, which was remembering that children aren't purposely trying to make trouble or put us out, they're just kids and therefore will be immature. I tried to look at things from the perspective of little kids who have to sit through a long, boring Sacrament Meeting. That really did help me feel more calm and patient. I found that with Dallin, lots of touch and keeping him physically connected really helps him settle down. He wouldn't sit on my lap or cuddle next to me and pushed me away every time I tried. I think he felt forced, and he felt like I wanted to control him. But I did try to pat his legs or rub his back or arms every chance I got, and he softened over the course of the meeting. I tried to make sure I was doing it in a loving way rather than a forceful way.
On the way home, I expressed empathy to Dallin for how hard church can be. We had a great conversation in which I acknowledged that sometimes I have a hard time getting through church too. He reminded me that I would rather sleep in on Sunday mornings, and I agreed!
Last night was the hospital's summer party for employees and families at the local pool. These employee parties are always lots of stress for our family. James is ALWAYS on the committee, so we don't see much of him during the festivities. And thus I always get to try to manage two children at some venue like a swimming pool or bowling alley.
I actually handled the swimming really well. Dallin is finally feeling confident enough in the water that he doesn't have to have a parent to hold onto the entire time. He was able to swim out while I worked with RiRi.
For the second year in a row, they held a coin contest in the water. They throw tons of loose coins into the water, and the kids get to go in and search for them. In addition to getting to keep whatever they find, whichever kid finds the large silver dollar gets to trade it in for a gift certificate. The contest was divided into four age groups, Dallin being with the 6-10-year olds. He was so excited to get some money! Unfortunately, the person who was scattering the coins buried them in a deeper section of the pool than they should have been for that age group. Since Dallin is afraid to put his face in the water, he was unable to get even a single coin.
He was SO disappointed. He cried and cried and wouldn't stop. He was mad. He hated this party and wanted to go home RIGHT NOW. He thought he was stupid because he couldn't get the money and because of his fear of the water. I tried to comfort him, but he wasn't having any of it. I found myself wanting to play down his feelings, telling him that other kids didn't get any money either, and that he needed to be grateful to the lady that gave him some money because she felt sorry for him. (I found out later that Daddy gave the money to the lady and told her to give it to Dallin.) Luckily, I quickly remembered that this was one of those times I just needed to listen. Not to give advice or make comments, but to just listen to all the emotions. So I did. And did. And did. Because he wasn't stopping. I validated and reflected back his feelings. But it didn't seem to dissipate things very much. He had a lot to get out of his system.
I started to get tired of it. I think we parents sometimes have a misconception that when we're helping our kids to deal with their emotions, the point is to get rid of the emotions. When my "help" didn't seem to be helping, I started getting frustrated. I wanted him to get over it now. But I plugged on, trying to listen. I realized that for Dallin, it wasn't ultimately about the money (though money is very important to this child). It was about him feeling "less good" than the other kids who were successful. It was about his own insecurities with not being able to dive right in like everyone else. He really did feel "stupid". I've noticed that he is quite a perfectionist. He's very competitive and feels deeply when he perceives himself to be "losing".
Anyway, all ended well when another activity started and Dallin got distracted with more fun. Later that night as I lay down with him at bedtime, we were able to talk about the coin incident in a more philosophical way, with less angst. My thought about this experience is that I need to focus more on listening for the sake of listening, not listening for the purpose of making it all better or getting rid of the problems. I did the right thing. My purpose should have been helping him feel loved and supported as much as getting him to stop so the party could go on.
I had a situation with Dallin this morning. I don't even remember what exactly happened. We were getting ready for church, running late, all tired after being up too late last night and oversleeping. I was doing my darndest to be patient and loving and to apply all these great parenting ideas. I did really well for a long time, and then I just lost it and started yelling. I don't even remember what he was doing or why I was mad, but I do remember the realization I had: I get mad and resort to coercion when I don't know what to do. I had used up all the ideas in my mind, everything that I could think of to deal with the situation. And then I ran out of ideas, panicked, and lashed out. I knew that yelling wasn't going to help and would only escalate things, but I couldn't think of anything else.
At least I apologized later. :)
Last of all, Sacrament Meeting. Not one of our better days. But I made it through without losing it completely. Sariah wouldn't go to sleep and wouldn't sit with the bishop's wife like she usually does. We accidentally sat in front of one of Dallin's good friends. (Big mistake!) Dallin and Sariah were extremely antsy and restless, and I was tired and frazzled. But I tried to keep from being angry. This time I drew on one of the ideas in The Soft-Spoken Parent, which was remembering that children aren't purposely trying to make trouble or put us out, they're just kids and therefore will be immature. I tried to look at things from the perspective of little kids who have to sit through a long, boring Sacrament Meeting. That really did help me feel more calm and patient. I found that with Dallin, lots of touch and keeping him physically connected really helps him settle down. He wouldn't sit on my lap or cuddle next to me and pushed me away every time I tried. I think he felt forced, and he felt like I wanted to control him. But I did try to pat his legs or rub his back or arms every chance I got, and he softened over the course of the meeting. I tried to make sure I was doing it in a loving way rather than a forceful way.
On the way home, I expressed empathy to Dallin for how hard church can be. We had a great conversation in which I acknowledged that sometimes I have a hard time getting through church too. He reminded me that I would rather sleep in on Sunday mornings, and I agreed!
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P.S. I'm sure you don't suck at parenting! I think we all get to learn and grow, and it's a very long process. I just realized today with Sariah that I've gotten better at some things. I've made some improvements in dealing with toddlers since Dallin was that age.
Now if I can just press forward with all the new things school-age children bring into the mix!