I've picked up a couple of really great parenting books lately.
(Note: don't read parenting books when you're on your way to a vacation. It will only make you feel very guilty for not being able to live up to all the advice while under the stress of said vacation!)
Anyway, so I've been reading a couple of books. I've just felt so much contention in our household lately. Dallin is a pretty strong-willed little guy, and it is so easy to get frustrated and impatient, and to want to show him exactly who's in charge. I was feeling rather weary, and in fact had even commented to James a few times, "Why are things always so hard with Dallin???" Every night I'd go into his room just before I went to bed, look at his sweet little self lying there sound asleep, and feel guilty for not being more patient and kind. Yet the next day, we'd do an exact replay of all the frustration and the going back and forth about everything.
It was with all this on my mind that I stumbled across a book in the BYU bookstore while I was in Provo for the organ workshop. It was quite easy to justify spending money we didn't really have on a book entitled: The Soft-Spoken Parent: More than 50 Strategies to Turn Away Wrath, by H. Wallace Goddard. So I bought it. And started reading. And finished it pretty quickly. It's a wonderful book! The strategies for turning away anger have been interesting and helpful. But honestly, the best part was reading the beginning, which was an in-depth look at the emotion of anger. This introduction had sections like The Pleasure of Anger, The Assumptions Behind Anger, The Truth About Anger, and The Science of Anger, in addition to sections talking about spiritual counsel about anger. I liked this section because it literally broke down every excuse we as parents have for being angry with our kids. The author noted that anger actually is deceiving because it makes us feel that we are justified, that we are in the right for feeling that way.
Some quotes:
"Anger seemingly has all the satisfactions of a crusade: a worthy cause, plenty of emotion, an opportunity to make the world a better place, and a deep feeling of satisfaction. Unfortunately for those of us who get angry readily, all of the five ideas above are almost entirely false. The crusade turns out to be a slaughter of innocents. The truths about anger are very different from the common beliefs."
"Anger is a liar. Our thoughts when we are angry are not calm, sensible, or balanced. They are narrow and frequently irrational and unbalanced."
"We often feel quite conflicted after we have blown up with people we love. After unloading on a child, our minds may be insisting that we were right and that they needed to hear it. But our hearts tell us that we have violated the contract of love. We have turned against those we swore to bless and protect, to encourage and to teach."
The author talks about how there is no place for anger in parenting. Sometimes we feel that as parents, we have to judge and punish our children to teach them what's right. But he points out through various scriptures that judgment is left to God, not to man. I always thought that somehow this didn't apply to parents, and that somehow I was supposed to be like God to my children. I guess it's because I've always felt that parents are going to create their children's image of God by how they treat them. I think that is true. But I took that too far in assuming that because God will judge, I must judge too. After reading this book I am convinced that this is not my role. Only God may judge and condemn. A parent's job is to provide nurture and admonition, which are not the same as judgment and condemnation.
More quotes:
"When we act as if everyone should follow our rules, we set ourselves up for chronic frustration. There is a kind of devious pride in imposing our assumptions on everyone round us... At the heart of much of our anger is a painfully human reaction. A child spills a glass of milk and, somewhere in our souls, we react: 'How could you do this to me?' Of course we have been trained to use other words: 'You need to be more careful,' .... But behind the words there may be a more self-oriented reaction: 'Why should your clumsiness make me late for work or mess up my table or....' In other words, 'How could you do this to me?' Anger is a self-centered reaction to inconvenience or disappointment.
I love that last line!!! When I am angry with my children, it is all about me, me, me. But the deceptiveness of the emotion makes me really believe at that moment that it is all about them and whatever they are doing wrong. What a distortion! I'm now trying to be more aware in the various parenting situations I face, to stop and ask myself who this is really about.
The second book I've been reading is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This is a classic discipline text in attachment parenting circles. I've owned my copy for several years. The first time I read it, I didn't get into it much. It's got a lot of cartoons, and I found them distracting. Plus, I was reading some other books that seemed more helpful at the time. So it's been sitting on my shelf for about 3 years. But as we left for Vegas, I found myself searching for something to read to pass the 7 hours in the car, and the cover caught my eye. I threw it in my bag, and then spent several hours of the drive delving into it.
This second time around, I love it! I think it's exactly what I need to be applying right now, and it fits so well with the book about anger. In fact, I think How to Talk has even more practical strategies for helping to avoid anger and condemnation of our kids. The main thing I'm getting out of it right now is how much time and energy we spend telling our kids how to feel instead of letting them feel their own feelings. This is exactly what I experienced in Vegas. When Dallin was so in love with the glitz and glamour of that casino, my first inclination was to shut off his feelings, to tell him that this was not a place to love, and exactly why. He said, "This is great!", and I wanted to counter immediately with, "No, this is awful!" Luckily, I had barely read that chapter of the book, and was able to step back and accept his feelings...and only then could we have a real discussion of the pros and cons of Las Vegas. I have been catching myself a lot shutting down my kids' feelings. Dallin says, "I hate ______," and I have to practically cover my mouth to not say, "We don't hate things."
I don't even know where to start with reviewing this book--there is so much that is really good. One thing that comes to mind is including children in problem-solving. When there is a discipline problem, especially one that recurrs, sit down and let them help figure out what a good solution would be. Write down everything they say, and write down your own suggestions, and then together the two of you come up with a reasonable way to handle the problem.
The biggest advice had to do with speaking respectfully so as to not immediately shut off communication. Instead of commanding, "Go put the milk away!", make an observation: "Milk left out on the table will spoil." Take the judgment out of it and give the child a chance to reflect on the information given and do something about it. I think think this kind of rephrasing will help to set a much more positive tone in our house. Dallin, being as stubborn and feisty as he sometimes is, doesn't respond well to constant negative commands. I'm hoping that by starting with myself, I can keep some of the power struggles at bay and enlist his cooperation rather than setting myself up for a fight.
Now the big question, of course, is how to make changes and stick with them. I have a long history of getting these grand ideas of how to change my parenting and remaining consistent for about 2-3 weeks. Then I get discouraged and just give it up all together. But I really do want to change. I don't want to be doing these same old things and having these same old battles 10 years from now. I'd really like to get a handle on this, and make positive changes that will last. I'm not sure how to do that! Things in our home always go so much more smoothly when I follow good, sound principles like these, or like others I've read in other books. But so far, I've never been able to make it last long enough to see real, long-term change. Any experienced moms out there have any success?
(Note: don't read parenting books when you're on your way to a vacation. It will only make you feel very guilty for not being able to live up to all the advice while under the stress of said vacation!)
Anyway, so I've been reading a couple of books. I've just felt so much contention in our household lately. Dallin is a pretty strong-willed little guy, and it is so easy to get frustrated and impatient, and to want to show him exactly who's in charge. I was feeling rather weary, and in fact had even commented to James a few times, "Why are things always so hard with Dallin???" Every night I'd go into his room just before I went to bed, look at his sweet little self lying there sound asleep, and feel guilty for not being more patient and kind. Yet the next day, we'd do an exact replay of all the frustration and the going back and forth about everything.
It was with all this on my mind that I stumbled across a book in the BYU bookstore while I was in Provo for the organ workshop. It was quite easy to justify spending money we didn't really have on a book entitled: The Soft-Spoken Parent: More than 50 Strategies to Turn Away Wrath, by H. Wallace Goddard. So I bought it. And started reading. And finished it pretty quickly. It's a wonderful book! The strategies for turning away anger have been interesting and helpful. But honestly, the best part was reading the beginning, which was an in-depth look at the emotion of anger. This introduction had sections like The Pleasure of Anger, The Assumptions Behind Anger, The Truth About Anger, and The Science of Anger, in addition to sections talking about spiritual counsel about anger. I liked this section because it literally broke down every excuse we as parents have for being angry with our kids. The author noted that anger actually is deceiving because it makes us feel that we are justified, that we are in the right for feeling that way.
Some quotes:
"Anger seemingly has all the satisfactions of a crusade: a worthy cause, plenty of emotion, an opportunity to make the world a better place, and a deep feeling of satisfaction. Unfortunately for those of us who get angry readily, all of the five ideas above are almost entirely false. The crusade turns out to be a slaughter of innocents. The truths about anger are very different from the common beliefs."
"Anger is a liar. Our thoughts when we are angry are not calm, sensible, or balanced. They are narrow and frequently irrational and unbalanced."
"We often feel quite conflicted after we have blown up with people we love. After unloading on a child, our minds may be insisting that we were right and that they needed to hear it. But our hearts tell us that we have violated the contract of love. We have turned against those we swore to bless and protect, to encourage and to teach."
The author talks about how there is no place for anger in parenting. Sometimes we feel that as parents, we have to judge and punish our children to teach them what's right. But he points out through various scriptures that judgment is left to God, not to man. I always thought that somehow this didn't apply to parents, and that somehow I was supposed to be like God to my children. I guess it's because I've always felt that parents are going to create their children's image of God by how they treat them. I think that is true. But I took that too far in assuming that because God will judge, I must judge too. After reading this book I am convinced that this is not my role. Only God may judge and condemn. A parent's job is to provide nurture and admonition, which are not the same as judgment and condemnation.
More quotes:
"When we act as if everyone should follow our rules, we set ourselves up for chronic frustration. There is a kind of devious pride in imposing our assumptions on everyone round us... At the heart of much of our anger is a painfully human reaction. A child spills a glass of milk and, somewhere in our souls, we react: 'How could you do this to me?' Of course we have been trained to use other words: 'You need to be more careful,' .... But behind the words there may be a more self-oriented reaction: 'Why should your clumsiness make me late for work or mess up my table or....' In other words, 'How could you do this to me?' Anger is a self-centered reaction to inconvenience or disappointment.
I love that last line!!! When I am angry with my children, it is all about me, me, me. But the deceptiveness of the emotion makes me really believe at that moment that it is all about them and whatever they are doing wrong. What a distortion! I'm now trying to be more aware in the various parenting situations I face, to stop and ask myself who this is really about.
The second book I've been reading is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This is a classic discipline text in attachment parenting circles. I've owned my copy for several years. The first time I read it, I didn't get into it much. It's got a lot of cartoons, and I found them distracting. Plus, I was reading some other books that seemed more helpful at the time. So it's been sitting on my shelf for about 3 years. But as we left for Vegas, I found myself searching for something to read to pass the 7 hours in the car, and the cover caught my eye. I threw it in my bag, and then spent several hours of the drive delving into it.
This second time around, I love it! I think it's exactly what I need to be applying right now, and it fits so well with the book about anger. In fact, I think How to Talk has even more practical strategies for helping to avoid anger and condemnation of our kids. The main thing I'm getting out of it right now is how much time and energy we spend telling our kids how to feel instead of letting them feel their own feelings. This is exactly what I experienced in Vegas. When Dallin was so in love with the glitz and glamour of that casino, my first inclination was to shut off his feelings, to tell him that this was not a place to love, and exactly why. He said, "This is great!", and I wanted to counter immediately with, "No, this is awful!" Luckily, I had barely read that chapter of the book, and was able to step back and accept his feelings...and only then could we have a real discussion of the pros and cons of Las Vegas. I have been catching myself a lot shutting down my kids' feelings. Dallin says, "I hate ______," and I have to practically cover my mouth to not say, "We don't hate things."
I don't even know where to start with reviewing this book--there is so much that is really good. One thing that comes to mind is including children in problem-solving. When there is a discipline problem, especially one that recurrs, sit down and let them help figure out what a good solution would be. Write down everything they say, and write down your own suggestions, and then together the two of you come up with a reasonable way to handle the problem.
The biggest advice had to do with speaking respectfully so as to not immediately shut off communication. Instead of commanding, "Go put the milk away!", make an observation: "Milk left out on the table will spoil." Take the judgment out of it and give the child a chance to reflect on the information given and do something about it. I think think this kind of rephrasing will help to set a much more positive tone in our house. Dallin, being as stubborn and feisty as he sometimes is, doesn't respond well to constant negative commands. I'm hoping that by starting with myself, I can keep some of the power struggles at bay and enlist his cooperation rather than setting myself up for a fight.
Now the big question, of course, is how to make changes and stick with them. I have a long history of getting these grand ideas of how to change my parenting and remaining consistent for about 2-3 weeks. Then I get discouraged and just give it up all together. But I really do want to change. I don't want to be doing these same old things and having these same old battles 10 years from now. I'd really like to get a handle on this, and make positive changes that will last. I'm not sure how to do that! Things in our home always go so much more smoothly when I follow good, sound principles like these, or like others I've read in other books. But so far, I've never been able to make it last long enough to see real, long-term change. Any experienced moms out there have any success?
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