This is gonna be long!
I just got home from BYU Women's Conference, where yesterday I successully played the organ for the afternoon general session of 15,000+ people. I received the invitation to play back in January and have spent hours practicing the past few weeks, which is no small task when you have two small children and plenty of other obligations. (We had two stake primary events this month, for starters, including one just the day before the conference.) The music itself wasn't terribly difficult, though the postlude piece was kind of a bugger. It was the idea of thousands of people listening to me that sent shivers of fear through my spine more than once during the past few weeks. I used to do stuff like this all the time when I was in school, as we were all required to play for BYU devotionals at least once a semester. However, that was 10 years ago, and there is no venue in my small town that even approaches something like a gathering in the Marriott Center. Stake conference seems like a regular ward Sunday in comparison.
I knew that it would be likely that I would experience at least a few minutes of major stage fright. When I was in school and performing all the time, it took something really, really major to induce much stage fright, and believe it or not, a Marriott Center performance did not qualify as major. Degree recitals were the things that qualified as "major"! However, I don't perform much anymore in settings that are particularly pressure-filled. And since I don't do it much, that means that when I do do it, I always experience a few moments right at the beginning of a performance where I literally want to jump off the bench, make a break, and run as fast as I can out of wherever it is I am. It is a trick to breathe deeply and make myself stay on the bench for the time it takes for this feeling to pass.
Because of this, I have been vigilant about preparing for this. The phrase "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear" is never so true as it is when performing as a musician in a high-pressure situation! I even made several trips to Provo to practice on the Marriott Center organ. However, little things come up. I had planned on warming up in the practice rooms of the fine arts building during the evening before and day of the performance, but I didn't count on not being able to track down my former teacher to get the combination to any of the locks to any of the available organ rooms. Therefore, I ended up having to go into the session without having touched an organ for two days. Amazingly, I felt totally peaceful! That's what a good priesthood blessing from your husband and having your name put in the temple by your mother will do for you!
Things went almost flawlessly. The music itself was almost without mistake, and those first few moments of stage fright were not as intense as they usually are. Halfway through the prelude, I was actually enjoying myself. There is no greater feeling of power than being at the organ leading 15,000 people in song! This is why I'm an organist and why the organ is the King of Instruments! Several people came up afterward to ask me what piece I had played for the postlude and what special effects I had added to some of the hymns. I even got to meet Sister Ann M. Dibb, new member of the general Young Women's presidency, who also happens to be President Monson's daughter. And a few minutes later I got one of the greatest compliments of all when a woman in the elevator was still humming "The Spirit of God", my postlude number.
This experience represents much more to me than would appear on the surface. This represents a huge step in a very long journey for me personally as a musician. Things kind of fell apart a bit after I got out of graduate school. Making a freelance career out of music and teaching did not happen quite as easily as I hoped it would. The biggest challenge was dealing with infertility and accompanying clinical depression, which stole from me most of my motivation to throw myself into any kind of career. I spent several years questioning what I really wanted to do with my life. In the meantime, most of my goals and dreams relating to music fell by the wayside.
Of course I eventually got my fondest dream of being a mother. And not many years into motherhood, I realized that in addition to mothering, making music was also something to which I wanted to devote my life. Only by now, I was far, far away from my previous graduate school life and far away from the goal's I'd once had. I experienced a great deal of angst (that's putting it mildly!) as I started to really grieve for the loss of those musical opportunities and the music growth I'd once experienced.
It has taken a lot over the past few years for me to pull myself out of that hole I created for myself and to start to regain my dreams and my confidence as a musician. A few years ago, I started to teach piano in an effort to be in touch with music. That was a great decision that has really benefitted me (though now I am considering dropping it, but that's a topic for another post!). However, I'm an organist, and the organ world is where my dreams lie. I've been blessed with one very talented young organ student, college-bound, over the past three years. But I've wanted more for my future.
In spite of the fact that I have a master's degree, music has been an area of terrible insecurity for me. I think most people around me would have no idea of the inner conflict that has plagued me with regards to music. I spent a great deal of time lamenting lost opportunities and comparing myself to friends who I thought were doing and being so much more. About a year ago, I started to realize that I had to let go of my ego and accept myself right where I was. My dreams were not lost. I could still do many of the things I'd always wanted to do--it was not too late! However, I had to lose the pride that was actually keeping me from progressing.
A few weeks after that revelation, I met two old friends from grad school at a recital. As we got to talking, I discovered that they had almost the exact same feelings I had! These were the friends I'd assumed were doing all these great and wonderful things on the organ, in addition to being wives and mothers. I found out that they weren't practicing either. They both struggled to know how to balance music and motherhood. They both compared themselves to others, even to the men we'd gone to school with who were able to make full-time careers out of being organists. It was so comforting to know that I was just like them. We were all just normal human beings trying to figure out how to fulfill our family obligations and still make music. The both admitted to me that even though they were playing occasional recitals at the Tabernacle (something they both had been doing since grad school), that they never felt very prepared for those recitals, having crammed in practice at the last minute, and they knew their playing wasn't at the level it had once been.
Then, I had the chance to exchange emails with a woman who had gotten a master's in organ performance in the late 1970's and had since raised a family. I asked her how she managed to ever find time to practice and how she had been able to balance music and motherhood. She gave me some wonderful insights! She told me that my master's degree was a blessing and not the curse I sometimes felt it to be. (It seemed like a curse because it was always there telling me that I should be better or "more" because I had it!) She pointed out the apparent discrepancy between the prophet's counsel to get an education and the reality that much of my life was spent doing dishes and changing diapers and noted that this is something that is hard for most women, no matter what their field of study has been. She reminded me that the Lord wants his little children to have intelligent and capable mothers. She also noted that my master's degree would give me something to look forward to when my children were older and I needed something to do with my time. My degree would still put me ahead.
The biggest thing she told me that the real question was not "how can I fit in time to practice?" but "what would the Lord have me do with this gift at this time in my life?" Once that became my fundamental question, all other conflict simply disappeared! There were few worries about balance and lost opportunities and how I compared with other people when I cared only about what the Lord wanted me to do with my talent.
That insight has changed my thinking profoundly over the past year and has brought me a great deal of peace!
I have recognized that there are seasons of our lives. Right now I am a mother of young children, and my contributions to music are small, but there are still things I can do. I have gained courage as I have stopped comparing myself to my friends and former colleagues. My life path is good, even if it has involved a few detours! I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and gotten involved in some organ opportunities as I have tried to lose the pride that previously prevented me from even trying certain things (out of fear that others would see that I wasn't as "good" as someone with a master's in music should be).
So here's what I've done over the past months: I finally joined the American Guild of Organists. This sounds like such a simple thing, but again I didn't want others to see how good I wasn't. This resolve was tested when my initial joining did not result in anyone from the chapter contacting me. I had to go out of my way to make further contact with chapter leadership and assert that I wanted to be involved!
I had long felt somewhat offended that I had not been asked to teach at the BYU Organ Workshop held each summer. Years ago I had taught when it was the Workshop on Church Music, and in my distorted thinking, I assumed that I must not have been asked again because they didn't think I was good enough. Then a friend told me that she knew she was asked to teach because she called and emailed and bugged the professor in charge until he put her name on the program. So with much trepidation, I emailed that professor and asked if I could be invited to teach this next August. Sure enough, he said yes! If I'd known it was that simple, I would have done it 5 or 6 years ago and saved myself a GREAT DEAL of angst and insecurity!
Last fall, I also noticed that BYU had published online a list of organists approved to play in the Marriott Center. I noticed that my name was not on the list. Part of me almost succumbed to those niggling little thoughts that I now recognize to be from the adversary that said to me that maybe I was not thought to be good enough to be on the list. However, after all my newfound insight during the previous months, I decided to go on the idea that it was probably just an oversight. So I emailed my old teacher and asked if my name could be on the list, and of course it was promptly added. I have no doubt that the phone call in January asking me to play for Women's Conference was a direct result of my email requesting my name to be added to the list of Marriott Center organists!
It has just been amazing to see the opportunities that have come in the past few months simply because I have swallowed insecurity and fear and made these seemingly small efforts to put myself in the direction of where I someday want to be. Out of small things, really great things have come to pass, things that are building my confidence in myself and giving me the growth and connection I've desired for years. I feel like I'm regaining an important part of my identity, and it feels wonderful!
I just got home from BYU Women's Conference, where yesterday I successully played the organ for the afternoon general session of 15,000+ people. I received the invitation to play back in January and have spent hours practicing the past few weeks, which is no small task when you have two small children and plenty of other obligations. (We had two stake primary events this month, for starters, including one just the day before the conference.) The music itself wasn't terribly difficult, though the postlude piece was kind of a bugger. It was the idea of thousands of people listening to me that sent shivers of fear through my spine more than once during the past few weeks. I used to do stuff like this all the time when I was in school, as we were all required to play for BYU devotionals at least once a semester. However, that was 10 years ago, and there is no venue in my small town that even approaches something like a gathering in the Marriott Center. Stake conference seems like a regular ward Sunday in comparison.
I knew that it would be likely that I would experience at least a few minutes of major stage fright. When I was in school and performing all the time, it took something really, really major to induce much stage fright, and believe it or not, a Marriott Center performance did not qualify as major. Degree recitals were the things that qualified as "major"! However, I don't perform much anymore in settings that are particularly pressure-filled. And since I don't do it much, that means that when I do do it, I always experience a few moments right at the beginning of a performance where I literally want to jump off the bench, make a break, and run as fast as I can out of wherever it is I am. It is a trick to breathe deeply and make myself stay on the bench for the time it takes for this feeling to pass.
Because of this, I have been vigilant about preparing for this. The phrase "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear" is never so true as it is when performing as a musician in a high-pressure situation! I even made several trips to Provo to practice on the Marriott Center organ. However, little things come up. I had planned on warming up in the practice rooms of the fine arts building during the evening before and day of the performance, but I didn't count on not being able to track down my former teacher to get the combination to any of the locks to any of the available organ rooms. Therefore, I ended up having to go into the session without having touched an organ for two days. Amazingly, I felt totally peaceful! That's what a good priesthood blessing from your husband and having your name put in the temple by your mother will do for you!
Things went almost flawlessly. The music itself was almost without mistake, and those first few moments of stage fright were not as intense as they usually are. Halfway through the prelude, I was actually enjoying myself. There is no greater feeling of power than being at the organ leading 15,000 people in song! This is why I'm an organist and why the organ is the King of Instruments! Several people came up afterward to ask me what piece I had played for the postlude and what special effects I had added to some of the hymns. I even got to meet Sister Ann M. Dibb, new member of the general Young Women's presidency, who also happens to be President Monson's daughter. And a few minutes later I got one of the greatest compliments of all when a woman in the elevator was still humming "The Spirit of God", my postlude number.
This experience represents much more to me than would appear on the surface. This represents a huge step in a very long journey for me personally as a musician. Things kind of fell apart a bit after I got out of graduate school. Making a freelance career out of music and teaching did not happen quite as easily as I hoped it would. The biggest challenge was dealing with infertility and accompanying clinical depression, which stole from me most of my motivation to throw myself into any kind of career. I spent several years questioning what I really wanted to do with my life. In the meantime, most of my goals and dreams relating to music fell by the wayside.
Of course I eventually got my fondest dream of being a mother. And not many years into motherhood, I realized that in addition to mothering, making music was also something to which I wanted to devote my life. Only by now, I was far, far away from my previous graduate school life and far away from the goal's I'd once had. I experienced a great deal of angst (that's putting it mildly!) as I started to really grieve for the loss of those musical opportunities and the music growth I'd once experienced.
It has taken a lot over the past few years for me to pull myself out of that hole I created for myself and to start to regain my dreams and my confidence as a musician. A few years ago, I started to teach piano in an effort to be in touch with music. That was a great decision that has really benefitted me (though now I am considering dropping it, but that's a topic for another post!). However, I'm an organist, and the organ world is where my dreams lie. I've been blessed with one very talented young organ student, college-bound, over the past three years. But I've wanted more for my future.
In spite of the fact that I have a master's degree, music has been an area of terrible insecurity for me. I think most people around me would have no idea of the inner conflict that has plagued me with regards to music. I spent a great deal of time lamenting lost opportunities and comparing myself to friends who I thought were doing and being so much more. About a year ago, I started to realize that I had to let go of my ego and accept myself right where I was. My dreams were not lost. I could still do many of the things I'd always wanted to do--it was not too late! However, I had to lose the pride that was actually keeping me from progressing.
A few weeks after that revelation, I met two old friends from grad school at a recital. As we got to talking, I discovered that they had almost the exact same feelings I had! These were the friends I'd assumed were doing all these great and wonderful things on the organ, in addition to being wives and mothers. I found out that they weren't practicing either. They both struggled to know how to balance music and motherhood. They both compared themselves to others, even to the men we'd gone to school with who were able to make full-time careers out of being organists. It was so comforting to know that I was just like them. We were all just normal human beings trying to figure out how to fulfill our family obligations and still make music. The both admitted to me that even though they were playing occasional recitals at the Tabernacle (something they both had been doing since grad school), that they never felt very prepared for those recitals, having crammed in practice at the last minute, and they knew their playing wasn't at the level it had once been.
Then, I had the chance to exchange emails with a woman who had gotten a master's in organ performance in the late 1970's and had since raised a family. I asked her how she managed to ever find time to practice and how she had been able to balance music and motherhood. She gave me some wonderful insights! She told me that my master's degree was a blessing and not the curse I sometimes felt it to be. (It seemed like a curse because it was always there telling me that I should be better or "more" because I had it!) She pointed out the apparent discrepancy between the prophet's counsel to get an education and the reality that much of my life was spent doing dishes and changing diapers and noted that this is something that is hard for most women, no matter what their field of study has been. She reminded me that the Lord wants his little children to have intelligent and capable mothers. She also noted that my master's degree would give me something to look forward to when my children were older and I needed something to do with my time. My degree would still put me ahead.
The biggest thing she told me that the real question was not "how can I fit in time to practice?" but "what would the Lord have me do with this gift at this time in my life?" Once that became my fundamental question, all other conflict simply disappeared! There were few worries about balance and lost opportunities and how I compared with other people when I cared only about what the Lord wanted me to do with my talent.
That insight has changed my thinking profoundly over the past year and has brought me a great deal of peace!
I have recognized that there are seasons of our lives. Right now I am a mother of young children, and my contributions to music are small, but there are still things I can do. I have gained courage as I have stopped comparing myself to my friends and former colleagues. My life path is good, even if it has involved a few detours! I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and gotten involved in some organ opportunities as I have tried to lose the pride that previously prevented me from even trying certain things (out of fear that others would see that I wasn't as "good" as someone with a master's in music should be).
So here's what I've done over the past months: I finally joined the American Guild of Organists. This sounds like such a simple thing, but again I didn't want others to see how good I wasn't. This resolve was tested when my initial joining did not result in anyone from the chapter contacting me. I had to go out of my way to make further contact with chapter leadership and assert that I wanted to be involved!
I had long felt somewhat offended that I had not been asked to teach at the BYU Organ Workshop held each summer. Years ago I had taught when it was the Workshop on Church Music, and in my distorted thinking, I assumed that I must not have been asked again because they didn't think I was good enough. Then a friend told me that she knew she was asked to teach because she called and emailed and bugged the professor in charge until he put her name on the program. So with much trepidation, I emailed that professor and asked if I could be invited to teach this next August. Sure enough, he said yes! If I'd known it was that simple, I would have done it 5 or 6 years ago and saved myself a GREAT DEAL of angst and insecurity!
Last fall, I also noticed that BYU had published online a list of organists approved to play in the Marriott Center. I noticed that my name was not on the list. Part of me almost succumbed to those niggling little thoughts that I now recognize to be from the adversary that said to me that maybe I was not thought to be good enough to be on the list. However, after all my newfound insight during the previous months, I decided to go on the idea that it was probably just an oversight. So I emailed my old teacher and asked if my name could be on the list, and of course it was promptly added. I have no doubt that the phone call in January asking me to play for Women's Conference was a direct result of my email requesting my name to be added to the list of Marriott Center organists!
It has just been amazing to see the opportunities that have come in the past few months simply because I have swallowed insecurity and fear and made these seemingly small efforts to put myself in the direction of where I someday want to be. Out of small things, really great things have come to pass, things that are building my confidence in myself and giving me the growth and connection I've desired for years. I feel like I'm regaining an important part of my identity, and it feels wonderful!
Comments