I'm missing all my months here! October was International Attachment Parenting Month, but by the time I realized it and wanted to write a post, October had become November. I never did get around to writing anything. This past week has also been International Babywearing Week, and many moms I know have been posting photos of them wearing their babies. I'm not sure I could even access my photos of Dallin and Sariah in slings and wraps, as they are either available only in prints, or stashed on disks somewhere. But trust me, I did wear them! And now Babywearing Week is basically over.
But I have been determined to do something for National Adoption Month! So here it is. I recently compiled a list of ideas gleaned from my LDS adoptive moms' email group of concrete things that we adoptive moms can do to celebrate adoption and claim our motherhood, both as we wait and after our children have come home. So my contribution is going to be to post that list here!
(I hope to get around to writing another post about what family and friends can do to support the waiting and new adoptive family. But honestly, that may or may not happen with my track record lately! If anything, this list can give you ideas of what many adoptive moms need.)
Celebrating the Adoption Journey
We all know that the adoption journey can be arduous. The journey often begins after a long period of grief and pain, and it can be a challenge to embrace hope. As we expect our babies and children, it can be difficult to know how to properly prepare for the coming of a new little person. Our experience often lacks concreteness—there are few markers to tell us how far along we are in the process. Our emotions themselves aren’t always completely reliable markers, either. Those outside of adoption don’t naturally draw us into the circle of motherhood as they do pregnant mothers. It can be a struggle to know, let alone claim, our place in that circle—even after our children come home.
It can be tremendously helpful to design concrete activities and experiences to help us make the long transition from someone hoping to be a mother to someone who is a mother. This psychological transition is actually extremely important and can have a profound impact on our experiences as mothers. Here are some suggestions of ways that we can be more intentional as we immerse ourselves in the process of creating, because that is what we are doing: We are creating a new family, a place for these precious children. We are even creating ourselves as we make ourselves into new beings—mothers!
The Wait
§ Find a way to celebrate being approved. This can be as small as going out to dinner with your spouse and talking about your dreams for your future child, or as large as hosting an adoption “kick-off” event.
§ Plant a tree or other plant to represent your coming child and to give you something to nurture as you wait.
§ Nurture yourself spiritually by holding regular prayer and scripture study, fasting at least monthly, and attending the temple often. You could provide structure to your wait by fasting or attending the temple on a specific day each month and focusing those activities on your upcoming adoption.
§ Begin planning, collecting, and/or making gifts for your child’s birthparents.
§ At the same time, don’t forget yourself! Purchase or make some special things for your baby or to celebrate your own motherhood or your spouse’s fatherhood.
o Ideas for baby: Blankets, quilts, special baby outfits, bibs, booties, books, heirloom toys or stuffed animals, etc. I've always wanted to learn to do heirloom sewing, so I've decided to take that plunge and make a special outfit for our baby to wear home.
§ Begin purchasing baby items, or at least planning for them in a way that they can be purchased quickly when the time comes. Perhaps mark monthly waiting times by allowing yourself to buy one new item each month. You have to begin allowing for that baby as a reality. This is hard to do when you want to protect yourself from the pain of loss, but it is very important! I found out the hard way after not doing this while waiting for Sariah that the transition is more difficult when you haven't let yourself prepare either physically or emotionally. If you have to do it all in a day or two, it will add stress to your life that you won't be needing.
§ Begin reading about parenting, both general and adoptive. One great book is Launching a Baby’s Adoption, by Patricia Irwin Johnston, as it specifically focuses on the transition to new parenthood.
§ Get involved in adoption support groups such as FSA. Keep yourself busy and immerse yourself in the adoption world.
§ Be actively involved in making your adoption happen.
§ Draw your family and friends into your wait. One activity popular among parents adopting from China is to create a “100 Wishes Quilt”. Ask family and friends to send you scraps of fabric representing their wishes for your new child. You then cut the fabric into squares and make a quit for the child.
§ Create a blog chronicling your adventures as your wait for your baby.
§ Write frequently in your journal.
Placement
We don’t have much control over placement, and it often (in domestic newborn adoptions) is the birth mother’s show, as it should be. But some birth and adoptive families choose to participate in an Entrustment Ceremony. This is basically created by adding some formal elements to the traditional placement. These can include lighting candles while expressing wishes for the baby, reading special letters, poems, or thoughts out loud, etc. The adoptive parents make verbal promises to the birth parents, and the birth parents express verbal wishes for the new family.
Homecoming
We often don’t give enough thought to the actual homecoming, but there are a number of things we can do to add elements of celebration to this special event:
§ Dress the baby in a special outfit that you have made or purchased specifically for the homecoming.
§ Create quiet time and space for just your immediate family for a period of time before inviting others to come and meet the baby. This can be a matter of hours, a day or two, or a week or more.
§ Include gift-giving as part of the homecoming experience: mothers often enjoy symbolic jewelry or flowers. Don’t leave out dads—find a meaningful gift for your husband to recognize his fatherhood. Siblings can make or buy special gifts for the baby and present them at this time. And of course, if everyone else is getting a gift, don’t leave out the older children. Gifts can be a meaningful way of celebrating any important occasion.
§ One family in our group has grandma or other relatives take the older siblings or even cousins to Build-a-Bear to create a special bear for the new baby while the parents are occupied at the hospital.
§ After your specified “alone time” has passed, invite all your extended family and/or friends over for a Welcoming Party. Plan the details well in advance and line up help so that you don’t have to do any work to prepare. You do not need the stress of food preparation or house cleaning at a time like this.
§ If you did not plant a tree to begin your wait, you could plant a tree now to symbolize the new life in your family.
§ Have portraits taken.
§ Incorporate any recent or upcoming holidays into your celebrations.
But I have been determined to do something for National Adoption Month! So here it is. I recently compiled a list of ideas gleaned from my LDS adoptive moms' email group of concrete things that we adoptive moms can do to celebrate adoption and claim our motherhood, both as we wait and after our children have come home. So my contribution is going to be to post that list here!
(I hope to get around to writing another post about what family and friends can do to support the waiting and new adoptive family. But honestly, that may or may not happen with my track record lately! If anything, this list can give you ideas of what many adoptive moms need.)
Celebrating the Adoption Journey
We all know that the adoption journey can be arduous. The journey often begins after a long period of grief and pain, and it can be a challenge to embrace hope. As we expect our babies and children, it can be difficult to know how to properly prepare for the coming of a new little person. Our experience often lacks concreteness—there are few markers to tell us how far along we are in the process. Our emotions themselves aren’t always completely reliable markers, either. Those outside of adoption don’t naturally draw us into the circle of motherhood as they do pregnant mothers. It can be a struggle to know, let alone claim, our place in that circle—even after our children come home.
It can be tremendously helpful to design concrete activities and experiences to help us make the long transition from someone hoping to be a mother to someone who is a mother. This psychological transition is actually extremely important and can have a profound impact on our experiences as mothers. Here are some suggestions of ways that we can be more intentional as we immerse ourselves in the process of creating, because that is what we are doing: We are creating a new family, a place for these precious children. We are even creating ourselves as we make ourselves into new beings—mothers!
The Wait
§ Find a way to celebrate being approved. This can be as small as going out to dinner with your spouse and talking about your dreams for your future child, or as large as hosting an adoption “kick-off” event.
§ Plant a tree or other plant to represent your coming child and to give you something to nurture as you wait.
§ Nurture yourself spiritually by holding regular prayer and scripture study, fasting at least monthly, and attending the temple often. You could provide structure to your wait by fasting or attending the temple on a specific day each month and focusing those activities on your upcoming adoption.
§ Begin planning, collecting, and/or making gifts for your child’s birthparents.
§ At the same time, don’t forget yourself! Purchase or make some special things for your baby or to celebrate your own motherhood or your spouse’s fatherhood.
o Ideas for baby: Blankets, quilts, special baby outfits, bibs, booties, books, heirloom toys or stuffed animals, etc. I've always wanted to learn to do heirloom sewing, so I've decided to take that plunge and make a special outfit for our baby to wear home.
§ Begin purchasing baby items, or at least planning for them in a way that they can be purchased quickly when the time comes. Perhaps mark monthly waiting times by allowing yourself to buy one new item each month. You have to begin allowing for that baby as a reality. This is hard to do when you want to protect yourself from the pain of loss, but it is very important! I found out the hard way after not doing this while waiting for Sariah that the transition is more difficult when you haven't let yourself prepare either physically or emotionally. If you have to do it all in a day or two, it will add stress to your life that you won't be needing.
§ Begin reading about parenting, both general and adoptive. One great book is Launching a Baby’s Adoption, by Patricia Irwin Johnston, as it specifically focuses on the transition to new parenthood.
§ Get involved in adoption support groups such as FSA. Keep yourself busy and immerse yourself in the adoption world.
§ Be actively involved in making your adoption happen.
§ Draw your family and friends into your wait. One activity popular among parents adopting from China is to create a “100 Wishes Quilt”. Ask family and friends to send you scraps of fabric representing their wishes for your new child. You then cut the fabric into squares and make a quit for the child.
§ Create a blog chronicling your adventures as your wait for your baby.
§ Write frequently in your journal.
Placement
We don’t have much control over placement, and it often (in domestic newborn adoptions) is the birth mother’s show, as it should be. But some birth and adoptive families choose to participate in an Entrustment Ceremony. This is basically created by adding some formal elements to the traditional placement. These can include lighting candles while expressing wishes for the baby, reading special letters, poems, or thoughts out loud, etc. The adoptive parents make verbal promises to the birth parents, and the birth parents express verbal wishes for the new family.
Homecoming
We often don’t give enough thought to the actual homecoming, but there are a number of things we can do to add elements of celebration to this special event:
§ Dress the baby in a special outfit that you have made or purchased specifically for the homecoming.
§ Create quiet time and space for just your immediate family for a period of time before inviting others to come and meet the baby. This can be a matter of hours, a day or two, or a week or more.
§ Include gift-giving as part of the homecoming experience: mothers often enjoy symbolic jewelry or flowers. Don’t leave out dads—find a meaningful gift for your husband to recognize his fatherhood. Siblings can make or buy special gifts for the baby and present them at this time. And of course, if everyone else is getting a gift, don’t leave out the older children. Gifts can be a meaningful way of celebrating any important occasion.
§ One family in our group has grandma or other relatives take the older siblings or even cousins to Build-a-Bear to create a special bear for the new baby while the parents are occupied at the hospital.
§ After your specified “alone time” has passed, invite all your extended family and/or friends over for a Welcoming Party. Plan the details well in advance and line up help so that you don’t have to do any work to prepare. You do not need the stress of food preparation or house cleaning at a time like this.
§ If you did not plant a tree to begin your wait, you could plant a tree now to symbolize the new life in your family.
§ Have portraits taken.
§ Incorporate any recent or upcoming holidays into your celebrations.
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